Episode 9: The Test Drive

Peru: The Perfect Place To Fuck For The First Time X 3


Unexpected Final Three contestant, Kendall, knows she’s not ready for an engagement, but she and Arie are still having a blast together. After their dune buggy ride where they somehow managed to not incur any mouth injuries despite making out whilst zipping around the desert, Kendall and Arie spread out a blanket for the most tragic picnic of all time. No shade, only oppressive sun, surrounded by nothing but billions and billions of grains of sand. No matter how high on life they were during their dune time, it’s just not happening. Kendall uses her words to ask an important question: Am I just a novelty, or do you see me as a complete person whom you can spend your future with? Arie gives a wishy washy answer but closes with: I am falling for you. Ultimately, Kendall takes Arie up on the fantasy suite card and they get it on.

Here’s the thing about Arie and Kendall’s relationship. It is exactly where it should be based on the limited time they’ve spent together. They clearly get along and have fun together, they have chemistry, they are attracted to each other. It’s just not where their relationship should be based on the alternate plane of time and space that exists within the fucked up confines of this show. Of course she isn’t ready to say yes to marriage, and of course she’s intimidated by the other women who are ready to lock it down because it has been two months since they saw Arie for the first time. This. Is. Normal.

The morning after Peruvian Sex, Part I, we see Kendall’s and Arie’s shirts and shoes carelessly tossed on the floor beside the bed. Subsextual. Because the ultimate post-coital question is how do you like your eggs in the morning, Arie can celebrate his knowledge of Kendall’s preferred egg prep while whipping up breakfast. Arie then asks Kendall:

“How are you feeling after last night, emotionally not physically?”

 I am uncomfortable for her.


We see shots of Lauren priming and primping to get ready for her date with Arie pre-intercourse. It’s important for a lady to always looks her best! To kill some time before the sun sets, Arie and Lauren take flight to check out the Nazca Lines. As I watched these two try to have fun while looking out the window of a rinky dink plane it’s all so obvious: Lauren is painfully uncomfortable being filmed and her go-to defense mechanism is stonewalling the camera. It’s tough to blame her. These two are stuffed into a small space with a few crew members and a camera probably less than 6 feet away from them, and they are expected to act like a normal couple in love. The tight quarters above the geogylphs were not the space for Lauren to spill her guts.

Post air time Arie and Lauren sit down, and from a distance the camera can zoom in and capture Lauren confessing to Arie that this entire thing has been a real struggle for her. She’s in love with a man who is actively dating other women. It’s been so tough that she’s considered bowing out, and she’s terrified of how her feelings continue to grow and grow every time she’s with Arie. This has Arie stressing because he wants to use the little time they have together to actually grow their relationship, not reassure Lauren that she’s da one. I can feel the accidental foreshadowing with her statement:

I want you to be confident in your decision not just the day you propose but like for the rest of your life.

After a stressful day, Arie and Lauren say I love you over “dinner.” YIKES. Time for Peruvian Sex, Part II. And then the unthinkable occurs. Music starts playing, and there are lyrics.   What is happening? No….YES….IT’S A COVER OF LEANN RIMES’ LATE 90’S ROMANCE BANGER HOW DO I. ARIE AND LAUREN DO NOT DESERVE SOMETHING AS SPECIAL AS THIS. But we certainly do, so I will tolerate it. The real question is, why was this song chosen? Is it implying that one of them leaves the other? Is it expressing all the fear Lauren feels? How could she possibly go on without Arie? Lots to think about.

There’s more I love you’s in the morning, but the real treat is Arie’s socks pulled up to mid-calf with sneakers and gym shorts looking like a middle school athlete. I am very into it.

Something to consider…

Isn’t “fantasy suite: a strange name for what is essentially a conjugal visit? FANTASY implies that it’s more than just your run of the mill lay, which hey, maybe it is. You and I both know it definitely isn’t, but anything is possible. Fantasy also implies that this sex is the shit of your dreams. I am going to suggest that not many dream of first time sex with a new partner followed by cameras in your face for a bedhead interview.  If not fantasy then what is it…? SUITE implies both of the following:

  1. You are Kevin McCallister, Lost in New York at Christmastime using your fathers amex to land you a cushy private space with room service.
  2. You have been recently married and are on vacation staying in a room embarrassingly named “The Honeymoon Suite”

But can you imagine if they called it The Fantasy Room? The word “room” transports me into the dark corners of Christian & Anastasia Grey’s red room, or into the gnarly, unkempt Jersey Shore Smush Room. Both of which are far from the desired essence and actuality of The Fantasy Suite. I want a rebranding of the fantasy suite. New name. New vibe. More thoughts on this in the future…


This is why I predict Becca is not getting the final rose: she’s the correct choice. She’s not stressing about the other women, and she has zero reservations about her and Arie’s future. This does not bode well for her.

After lounging on a catamaran and observing pelicans and seals, Arie and Becca gather in a glamping tent to discuss their potential future. Arie and Becca both agree that overall they are feeling pretty good about where things stand. Before coming into this, Arie was worried that one of three things was going to go down:

  1. He’d choose someone at the end of this who doesn’t choose him back
  2. He’d be stuck with a room full of women and feel drawn to no one
  3. He’d choose the wrong person

Again, we see more foreshadowing to prepare us for a dramatic finale…

After they establish that everything is going swimmingly and Arie shares that he’s not just falling in love; he is in love, they bone. Peruvian Sex, Part III. The sun rises, Becca heads back to her prison cell sans Arie, and then an “uninvited” guest appears at Arie’s hotel room door. It’s Ross, Becca’s ex.

We knew an ex was coming from all the spoiler rich previews ABC forces upon their viewers, but I was so convinced the ex was going to be Lauren’s. Nice one, ABC. Arie remains calm but he is clearly pissed that he got one pulled over on him by the producers he has been working closely with for the past 2 months. Bachy betrayal at it’s finest.

This whole surprise visit from the ex is a classic Bachelor move. I guess ABC thought it would be clever to introduce this overplayed tactic at the end of the game versus the beginning (think DeMario Jackson’s “ex” showing up in Episode 2 of Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette). I found the whole thing pretty boring. Becca even says to Ross, “I knew you were going to do this.”  I want to know who reaches out to whom to coordinate this surprise visit. Knowing that Becca had a feeling Ross would pull some shit like this really makes me dislike him, especially since it’s under the guise of winning Becca back. It’s very much competitive, self-indulgent, desperate attentive seeking behavior. Arie calls the whole thing very unclassy, and he ain’t wrong!

Then there’s “stressful” interviews about omg does Arie now question my undying commitment to his love game now that Ross fucking showed up, and has Becca actually moved on from this 7 year relationship with her ex that ended only a year ago?

Everything is fine, and right before Arie hands out the roses, he pulls Kendall aside for the second rose ceremony in a row. This was the right thing to do. It’s time for her to go home, and Arie respects her enough to not play the ceremony game and drop the hammer in front of his two other girlfriends/her two remaining competitors.  Goodbye, Kendall.  You were great, you’re just not ready for marriage.

And then there were two…






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