We had four earth shattering events occur this week on The Bachelor. And now it’s time for the breakdown:
Date Card: Hold on tight.
Featuring: Becca K
Becca K, the 27 year old publicist from Minnesota, was graceful upon hearing her name read aloud as the recipient of the very first 1:1 date of the season. As the girls squeal and try to decipher what Becca’s date card is alluding to, Arie struts into the Bachelor living area in a leather jacket and holding a helmet. Before Arie whisks Becca K away on his motorcycle, he first assists her into a matching leather jacket and ZIPS IT UP FOR HER. I’m sorry, I absolutely love almost completely unnecessary physical touch in the flirty sense, but zipping up someone’s coat is straight out of a goddamn kindergarten classroom. PASS.
Becca and Arie wind through the coastal California hills before arriving at an undisclosed location, basically another version of The Bachelor Mansion. There’s an upgraded spread of lobster, oysters, a chocolate fountain and champagne waiting for them. Arie tells Becca that this date is all about her. And just like that the plot of the iconic 1990 Garry Marshal Film, Pretty Woman, is acted out before us with salt and pepper Arie as the gentlemanly Edward/Richard Gere and Becca K as rich person adjacent Vivian/Julia Roberts.
Designer Rachel Zoe is in the building with racks of formalwear for Becca to try on for Arie. Becca thinks that she gets to pick out one of these gowns for part II of her 1:1 later that evening, but Arie decides to let her have them all! That’s not the worst of it. He then gets down on one knee holding a treasure chest that contains red bottoms/Christian Louboutin spiky, bedazzled, sky high pumps. Much respect to inadvertently honoring Cardi B during this episode, ABC. We needed this.
We’re still not done. Becca and Arie are sitting outside admiring the ocean view when
an FBI agent a courier walks up the stony pathway to deliver a briefcase to Arie with regards from Neil Lane, the provider of the gaudy rocks shelled out to the winners of this fucking sham of a franchise. Arie wants to make sure that Becca has some bling for their date tonight: massive diamond earrings and heavy diamond necklace.
So far this entire spectacle has been just a showering of material things on this humble Minnesotan. I wonder if she was as uncomfortable as I was watching her receive very expensive things from a man she hardly knows. Does she feel like she now owes him something? It was so over the top that does she buy it when he says that he just wants to spoil her? Does she even like Rachel Zoe? Does she see this for the clear set up to inspire doubt and jealousy amongst the other contestants?
Of course she has to go back to the Bachelor Mansion with her arms laden with swag. The girls are all like THIS and like THIS. Panic sweeps the room as they mentally tally up all the dollars worth of shit Becca just inherited. It must mean something! ARIE LOVES HER.
“OMG they are gonna get married.”
Dinner time finally rolls around and Becca arrives wearing this shimmery number. Arie takes a moment to PUT HER EARRINGS ON FOR HER. This is above and beyond the jacket being zipped. It doesn’t even make sense. Are you practicing for putting different jewelry on other less inconvenient body parts later on…
Finally they start talking and we learn that Arie was really feeling Becca’s open heart and mind as soon as he met her. He admits that she kind of reminds him of himself when he was on The Bachelorette five years ago. Becca shares a personal anecdote about her father dying of brain cancer without it feeling exploitive or self-indulgent. Becca strikes me as self-aware, mature, easy going, and kind. I think she’s gonna go far in this race. Arie ends this money fest by giving her a rose and whispering that she can in fact keep the Neil Lane diamond earrings. Hmmmmm.
Date Card: Home is where the heart is.
This is exactly what you think it’s going to be. Arie is quite literally taking Krystal to his hometown of Scottsdale, AZ via private plane. Krystal is smiling and giddy with that godforsaken childish voice and endless e’s at the end of her “hi’s”. Krystal and Arie check out Arie’s Bachelor pad, they watch some home vids of Arie as a child, they flip through photo albums of Arie’s chubby phase circa 1991. Duh, duh, duh, they go to his fucking parents’ house and Krystal is fake embarrassed they didn’t bring flowers, but obviously bouquets are reserved for OFFICIAL hometown dates, sister.
And then it all makes sense. Oedipus is in the building. Arie’s mom is the blonde woman he is ultimately seeking. Gross.
Blah, blah, blah we learn that Arie’s parents have been together for 36 years. We meet Arie’s brother who just got married. Boring, boring, boring. After this short visit with the fam, Krystal reveals in a moment with the producers that she’s unsure if sharing some of her past with Arie is going to be “too much.” Oh, honey.
As these two sit next to a meal they will never eat, Krystal collects her thoughts and reveals that her parents divorced when she was young, her father was completely out of the picture, and her mother was emotionally unavailable. That really fucking sucks. She also talks about her brother living on the streets and not being ready to accept help from his sister.
Arie then tries to act out another iconic movie, Good Will Hunting, by playing the role of Sean Maguire/Robin Williams, and tells Krystal that her upbringing is not her fault. Then this happens:
Krystal: Does it scare you?
Arie: No, I can tell your open.
Krystal: You can see that?
And this is where I start to really become impatient. It feels all so thirsty, and it makes me squirm to watch Arie answer her pathetic questions. He’s not the answer, sweetie. No man is. She still gets a rose, and an uprising singer/songwriter serenades their slow dance to cap this date off. Our time with Krystal is only just beginning…
Date Card: Let’s hit love head on.
Featuring: Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah M, Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Chelsea
This date was basically romantic summer camp on steroids. The girls run down to a muddy racecar track in their athleisure, shrieking as Arie spins around in a busted old car showing off his donut skills. The girls are losing their damn minds so much that Maquel literally lifts Bekah M off of the ground and jumps for joy whilst holding her. Incredible. Arie shares with the women that they are here today to participate in a demo derby, ie: real life bumper cars. It’s all fun and games as the women spray paint “back that ass up” and “look alive bitches” on shitty old cars until Annaliese is in full blown breakdown mode.
Turns out she had a traumatic experience with bumper cars as a kid. ABC created some garbage lifetime-esque flashback footage of children playing bumper cars underscored by creepy circus music. Jenny was particularly insensitive to Annaliese’s emotional reaction which most certainly came around to bite her in the ass later in this episode…Arie takes a moment to comfort Annaliese, but she is still visibly very shaken by this. I do not have a single fucking clue how the hell she was convinced, either by herself or some producer, to actually go forward with participating in this event. She seems to be OK after it’s all over, but Jesus Christ that was a fucking mess.
We then see Bibiana crashing into the ladies to the tunes of salsa music. Guys, calm down. She’s Latina. It makes sense. Eventually Sienne takes the cake and Tia comes in second.
During the after party Chelsea finally reveals to Arie that she is a mother and uses her son as a way to validate her intense commitment to actually being on the show. We learn that Sienne is a Yale grad and studied abroad in Brazil and Italy, and Bekah and Arie share a hot and steamy make-out session. Bibiana is holding on by a thread as she tries to negotiate her turn to go and have some solo time with Arie. Our bachelor does the right thing and decides to gift Sienne the group date rose. Thank God.
The Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
These fucking things are such a drag in the beginning of the season.
Wrapped in a luxurious fur coat Bekah M approaches Arie. They sit and flirt as Arie tells her that he wasn’t entirely sure if she liked him on night one, but after that group date he knows for sure she is into him.
“I’m simple, I’m no drama, I’m easy to please.”
We shall see…
Krystal interrupts a rose-less woman to take a minute and reminisce on where they first met, ie: the fucking driveway where he met every single other woman in the house. I’m tired. Arie isn’t so quick to dish out the make-outs with her, because he, like the rest of us, is realizing that this whole situation is no good.
Bibiana finally gets a moment with Arie, and just as they start talking about Arie’s pup, Krystal comes fucking BACK and interrupts. Mind you, she has a rose from her 1:1 date, so she is safe during the upcoming rose ceremony. Bibiana is all set with Krystal’s fake tone and she warns Krystal that now having just interrupted two women on this blessed evening, no one is going to respect her time moving forward.
It’s time for the chopping block. Before Arie says the last rose recipient’s name out loud we see Caroline place a comforting sisterhood hand on Bibiana’s shoulder. Bibi gets the last rose, and it’s all pretty clear that Bibiana and Krystal are headed towards a dramatic 2:1 date.
Insensitive Jenny is one of the three girls that were cut loose this evening. I guess her questions to Arie about if he watches the morning news and eats raisin bran were not enough to secure her spot for another week. Lauren G and Valerie are also going home. Both of them say their goodbyes to the ladies and then walk up to Arie for one last embrace. Jenny is crying as she hugs some of the girls goodbye and decides to give an icy cold shoulder to Arie. No goodbye, no hug, no eye contact. Nothing.
Arie excuses himself to talk to Jenny. She’s in full on defense mode with her hands on her hips, and elbows pointed towards him to create some sort of emotional shield. Arie explains that he has to make tough decisions as Jenny says that this whole thing just isn’t for her. He tells her that he tried to get her to open up, but he just didn’t see it. She bites back with:
“I’m not sad about you, I’m sad about leaving my new friends.”
Righhhhtttttt. It’s then that we hear Jenny’s voiceover from an interview with the producers say:
“I got broken up with for the first time, I am so like shocked. I literally came into this thinking that I would end up with him.”
Immaturity at it’s finest, folks!
Something tells me we aren’t fully prepared for what’s to come…