Episode 7: Take Me Baby Or Leave Me

Raven for post.pngSeven is allegedly a lucky number; however, the 7th episode of Bachelor in Paradise was largely unlucky and lackluster.

7 REASONS WE AREN’T LUCKY

  1. Blake E. was brought to Paradise and all he did was talk about how he’s trying to separate himself from his self-righteous, Whaboom hating portrayal on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. Yeah, it didn’t go so well for him.
  2. Christen is in a “love square” with Jack Stone, Tickle Monster, and Blake E. I know.
  3. Dean has proved himself to be immature and unprepared for emotional intimacy.
  4. We were forced to see Robby wear women’s skinny jeans get nut tapped by Jack Stone.
  5. Ben Z. is homeward bound after excusing himself from the dog eat dog world of Paradise.
  6. Lacey and Daniel are actually a Paradise “couple.” Like she kisses him after giving him a rose at the Rose Ceremony. HOW?!
  7. Fred came and went so quickly.

6 TENDER MOMENTS OF LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP

  1. Jasmine playing with Raven’s hair as they discuss who could possibly say yes to deplorable Blake E. and his date card.
  2. The “I love you” exchange between friends as Ben Z. hugs Jasmin and Wells goodbye.
  3. Adam and Raven playing a version of “What Dat Mouf Do Doe” that involved Adam tossing marshmallows into Raven’s open mouth. This was beautifully congruent to the cheese cube toss Raven and Corrine played on Nick’s season of the Bachelor.
  4. Raven being brutally honest with Kristina about not wasting her time being mad at DLo. It’s not DLo’s fault that Dean can’t commit to Kristina. It’s not what Kristina wanted to hear, but Raven was speaking from a place of love.  Heated convos with your friends are tough, but if we’re not honest with our besties wtf are we even doing?
  5. Wells handing Kristina a tissue from across the bar after telling her she’s a bad bitch who deserves better than what Dean’s able to give.
  6. Kristina hugging Raven goodbye at the Rose Ceremony as she says, “Thank you for everything.”

5 MEMORABLE QUOTES

 

“Why didn’t you take her down to the beach?”

– Dean to Robby when he learns that Robby and Kristina had a heart to heart literally right next to Dean playing fuckboi pool gamez with DLo

 

“I’m not with anyone.”

– Dean describing his relationship status to Whaboom’s Archnemisis/Blake E.

 

“I feel like at this point you should hope Blake takes your girl [on a date] cuz she she’ll come back and appreciate you more.”

– The Gospel of Game According to Diggy

 

“I love the scallops, but I don’t understand the double innuendo.”

– You mean entendre, Christen? There’s only one single literal interpretation of your nickname, but cool that you’re hopeful about the possibility of a sexual connotation associated with it!

 

“Why are you fighting for someone who is not fighting for you?”

– The Gospel of Self Worth According to Wells

4 THINGS I’D RATHER DO THAN GO ON A DATE WITH BLAKE E:

  1.  Go on a date with Daniel.
  2.  Make out with Robby.
  3.  Be in a puppet show with Wells.
  4.  Get choked by Jasmine.

TOP 3 SCALLOP FINGERS MOMENTS

  1. Christen snaking around the pool with her stringy, half wet hair whilst clutching a water gun.
  2. Her contacts, her fake lashes, and her mascara barely surviving a waterworks double date complete with speedboat donuts, ziplining, and The Blob from the 1995 blockbuster dramedy about overweight youths reclaiming their time, Heavyweights.
  3. Back to back pre Rose Ceremony make-outs with Blake E. who brought a bribe of scallops, a quesadilla and side of guac; Tickle Monster who whispered in Christen’s ear the most obvious and worthy choice for her rose: himself; and finally Jack Stone who also kissed Jasmin, Raven and D Lo earlier that day.

2 THINGS TO CONSIDER

  1. Dean makes a really good point when Kristina expresses how disrespectful it was for him to makeout with DLo in front of her. He says that he didn’t plan to make out with DLo. That is so fair. Can you even imagine how stressful it would be to plan all your makeouts? Especially when you find yourself bouncing from chic to chic. So many schedules to juggle, and women like a man who can be spontaneous! RIGHT?! Do you even follow Kaitlyn Bristowe and Shawn Booth on Insta? They have a KY sponsorship ad that promotes spontaneity. Pay attention. DEAN IS.
  2. Dean said himself that he knows he is throwing a golden opportunity out the window by breaking things off with Kristina to pursue things with DLo. Guys, this means he is self aware. He gets it! Give him a break.

1 PARTING THOUGHT

  1. Will Robby plagiarize his own proposal speech to Jojo when he inevitably attempts a proposal to Amanda?

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