TOP 5 OVER THE TOP ANTICS
- Bringing Matt back to the rose ceremony to gift his rose to “deserving” albeit unimpressed Jasmine after he left her at the altar decided that this fresh hell some call Bachelor in Paradise was not for him.
- A gang of Mexican wrestlers in traditional costumes storming the sleeping cast to dramatically “find” Daniel and deliver his date card: Pick someone you have a fighting chance with.
- A blackout box over Dean’s morning wood.
- Wells has two additional puppets.
- Christen using those tiny hand finger puppet things to put real, actual food into the Tickle Monster’s mouth. I guess the gigantic hands Tickle brought to Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette would have been too obtrusive of a prop for an intimate meal with a virgin.
TOP 5 DANIEL QUOTES
“Paradise isn’t the same without Daniel. Christmas isn’t the same without Santa. Indian food isn’t the same without curry.”
– Analogies About Daniel By Daniel
“Trump, you can’t keep this immigrant out.”
– Daniel’s bold warning to the leader cheeto of the free world
“Beyoncé doesn’t go to a party at the start. She shows up late.”
– Daniel comparing his tardy arrival in Paradise to the fashionably late tactics of Her Royal Highness, Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter
“I’m a guy. I like sex.”
– 2 Fun Facts about Daniel
“I’m the result of a Mexican wrestler having intercourse with a teletubby.”
– Daniel’s astute observation of his date outfit
TOP 10 MOST TRAGIC THINGS
- Christen’s hair sweaty, stringy hair.
- Alexis being sent home while Christen and Lacey remain.
- Kristina coyly admitting in the confession cam that she and Dean woke up next to each other the morning after the Rose Ceremony.
- The Tickle Monster arrives in Paradise, piques the interest of Christen, sucks face with Christen, goes on a date with Christen, and thereby creates a love triangle between Christen, Tickle Monster, and Jack Stone. Yes, these three.
- The countless vacant folding chairs amidst a sparse live audience for Daniel and Lacey’s Mexican wrestling date.
- Kristina being all in on Dean while Dean is all in on his dick, the attention Kristina gives him, and DLo’s rockin’ bod and face.
- Kristina crying and describing Dean’s ostentatious fuckboi pool gamez with DLo as disrespectful in light of the fact that he and Kristina had sex mere hours ago.
- Diggy and Dominique had NO screen time.
- The studio portion of the show included a Jasmine and Matt reunion where Chris Harrison/the patriarchy advised Matt not to return to the crazy, i.e.: Jasmine, the next time he’s managed to wriggle his way out. Oh, and then an entire audience of women laughed and clapped at Chris’ shit joke and dismissal of Jasmine’s emotional response to Matt not clearly communicating that he’s just not that into her. #ifitsnotfunnydontlaugh
- Matt’s high-water pants paired bare feet in suede loafers.
TOP 5 MOST DISTURBING THINGS
- Lacey came to Paradise hoping Daniel would be there.
- A game of Truth or Date gone fucked: Kristina asks Dean the simple question. Dean responds with “truth.” Kristina corrects his answer and dares him to get a boner without her physical help. Dean asks for 20 seconds. Then another 20 seconds. They know they’re on camera, right? Oh, and yeah, Dean couldn’t get it up.
- Kristina describing the Russian orphanage she once called home as better than Paradise.
- Realizing that just because someone is blacked out, they can still appear to be lucid. They’re not.
- Blake E. who doesn’t eat bananas and self-identifies as having a terrific penis is headed to Paradise. I know. You thought the worst was over.
1 THING TO BE THANKFUL FOR
- Jorge attended Lacey and Daniel’s wrestling date whilst wearing his very own Jorge mask a la Bryan Cranston rocking the Walter White mask at Comic Con in 2013.
REAL QUICK ABOUT CORRINE
She’s beauty and she’s grace. She’s Miss United States. It felt right for Corrine to have her moment. She was brave and transparent about being on a new medication and having too much to drink that first day in Mexico. She admitted to not knowing she shouldn’t have been combining beachside shots with her meds, and that this is what led to her full on blackout. Corrine never once blamed DeMario, yet she admits that she was taken aback by his quick jump to the defense and describes him as “running to the media” once they were stateside. She wonders aloud if his actions were motivated by the fear that Corrine assumed he had done something to her. She reiterates that she does not feel this way. Similarly to DeMario, Corrine comments on being chewed up and spit out by the media. After stating multiple times that she does not blame DeMario whatsoever, I am left wondering where the fuck the whistle blowing producer is, and what she has to say?
Victim is a strong word. Its use in press releases and conversations throughout this scandal has unfortunately contributed to the racist stereotype that Black men are monsters while also undermining the experience of women in instances of sexual assault. We now know that Corrine feels victimized by the media. Not DeMario. Both Corrine and DeMario can be described as victims of unsubstantiated claims that led to false, destructive articles. It’s just complicated as hell to use the word “victim” in a press release about sexual assault allegations to refer to something other than a victim of sexual assault; particularly because most sexual assault victims don’t feel supported when speaking up, and if they are brave enough to do so they are often not taken seriously. Secondly, to use the word victim as a white woman amidst a conversation around sexual assault involving a Black man when in fact, you don’t feel like you are a victim of him, is tactless. I do not blame Corrine for this word choice. I think she has an unaware PR team.
Now having seen both DeMario and Corrine’s separate interviews with Chris Harrison, I honest to God believe that this was not a case of sexual assault, but instead a drunken sexual encounter that got spun into a scandal. My heart goes out to both DeMario and Corrine, and I can’t help but wonder if this “scandal” is only the beginning of a larger, more fucked plan for the franchise, i.e.: setting up Corrine or DeMario to return and “redeem” their reputation. Either way, it’s truly awful that Corrine, DeMario, and their families had to go through such a traumatic summer at the expense of ABC gaining press coverage and viewers. What a fucking mess.