Episode 5: Stick A Fork In It

JasmineSince it was the 5th episode of Bachelor In Paradise last night, here’s five TOP 5 lists for ya…

MY TOP 5 HUMBLE OPINIONS

  1. Matt saying yes to Christen’s shitty date was just an excuse for him to get off the resort. It’s like when Morello gets to drive the van at Litchfield, it’s a sense of false freedom in a lockdown situation.
  2. Dean is not the man boy I thought he was.
  3. Dominique is actually the Queen of Paradise, not Jasmine. #work
  4. They front loaded the cast and put the major players on in the beginning. We are now left with the dregs, and I am disappointed. The promise of Daniel and The Tickle Monster is underwhelming and infuriating.
  5. We all have a lot to learn from the whole no-technology model of the Bachelor Franchise. Look how precious it was to see the squad huddled together sans screens playing a friendly game of Scattegories. This is where the magic lives, in valuable time spent together with the people you love/hate/are dating/are “dating”/are pining for.

TOP 5 QUOTES

“What dat mouf do doe?”

– Raven describing a game in which Alexis puts various foods/crustaceans into a blindfolded Jack Stone’s mouth

 

“You don’t know whether she is going to give you a present or murder you in your sleep.”

– Wells describing Jasmine’s spirited reactions to life and her overall personality

 

“She’s not worth choking.”

– Jasmine Goode about Christen the Virgin

 

“I was never expecting you to be as interesting as you are.”

– Dean to DLo’s face about DLo

 

“Being a virgin has been a really smart move for me.”

– Christen about Christen

TOP 5 CRINGE WORTHY MOMENTS

  1. Jasmine mounting an uncomfortable and uninterested Matt while she looks over her shoulder to confirm that people are in fact getting a full glimpse of her antics.
  2. Robby finally kissing Amanda while intermittently whispering about the merits of patience.
  3. Christen trying on bikinis in a local village, modeling them for Matt, and whipping the salesperson in the face with the sash of a potential new suit.
  4. Jasmine attacking Matt with kisses the second his toes hit the resort sand after he returns from his date with Christen.
  5. Christen recapping her shopping date with Matt to Robby and referring to it as “so tribal!”

TOP 5 REALEST MOMENTS

  1. Alexis telling the inception story of Christen’s “scallop fingers” nickname: One night out with the squad Christen opened a to-go box of scallops in the car on the way to the club. She confidently ate them with her bare hands, and then touched Alexis’ shoulder with those same hands. Horrific.
  2. Taylor acknowledging how Paradise is vastly unlike reality in that she and Derek are together *literally* nonstop. Can I get an amen for personal time and space!
  3. Taylor being pissed at Derek for offhandedly saying “fuck you.” Them’s fighting words, even when you’re “joking.”
  4. Derek owning how he hurt Taylor, lovingly apologizing, and declaring that he wants to be on Taylor’s team. #growth
  5. Kristina confirming that yes, Dean, I do in fact hate that you are struggling with the possibility that someone as “nice” as DLo might have to go home.

TOP 5 MOST CURIOUS MOMENTS

  1. Christen even being on this show.
  2. Robby gifting Amanda hotel slippers.
  3. Dean describing his flirting with DLo as “not flirting.”
  4. Wells’ puppets.
  5. Lacey.

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