Episode 1: Summer Lovin’ Happens So Fast

JorgeParadise is back with a vengeance. After a quick display of lonely lounge chairs, piled up pillows, an empty pool, and an ominous black bird flapping out of frame, Chris Harrison addresses the almost nonexistent season of Paradise. Even his formal address about some heavy shit was campy as hell. He reminds the audience that things started off with some summer fun and hope of love and marriage, but then things quickly took a nasty turn. Don’t worry though, we are going to start from the very beginning…Cue the intro.

The infamous intro includes the boys splashing around in the ocean, Alexis and Jasmine girl- talking on lounge chairs, and of course the individual dorky Brady Bunch gimmicks to quickly capture what each lonely soul is all about. Amanda is being chased down the beach by a man wearing a black nylon suit so that he looks like a shadow or something…? This figure has a cardboard cut out of pizza on his chest. IDK guys, I just didn’t like it. Why not just make his whole face and body a huge fucking piece of pizza? Or do what Girl With No Job suggested on The Morning Breath and just have her throw some pizza into the ocean to signify her dismissal of Josh Murray, her sweaty, pizza eating ex-fiancé. Russian dental hygienist Kristina chomps on a burger (hopefully it’s grass fed!) whilst wearing an American flag bikini. Cute. Jasmine is of course choking a cameraman, Taylor reveals her face from behind an “Emotional Intelligence” book, and Danielle M. “revives” Iggy with some chest compressions. Why not mouth to mouth? Just a thought. All the guys are just winking into the camera. Alex is too thirsty with his back flip intro…Onto the arrivals.

Our Southern runner-up darling, Miss Raven Nicole Gates, is the first to arrive. She tells Chris she is nervous but ultimately she’s here for a blissful marriage. Same.

Deanie Baby is next down the stairs, and after watching him hug and lift Raven off the ground it’s apparent they’ve met before. Duh.

Kristina shows up with beachy waves, a floral romper, and eyes for Dean. Obviously.

Danielle M. rocks up with an amazing beach royalty outfit. She is so excited to see her girls from Nick’s season. Adorable.

Then Ben from Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season of The Bachelorette arrives, and pulls cutie pie Raven aside to talk about his dog, Zeus. The poor guy gets a funny/dumb edit where the underscoring tells us Raven is bored by his dog tales.

Iggy then sprints and picks up Dean for a tender, slo-mo embrace by the waves. Raven goes, “Oh, so he’s in love with Dean.” Who isn’t? Honestly, Iggy’s energy is very “Turn Down For What,” and I’m tired.

Next is Jasmine the Choker. We are not ready.

Jack Stone enters and tells us not to worry, he’s not a serial killer, he’s a lawyer. Toe-may-toe, Tah-mah-toe.

Alexis arrives by sea in her shark/dolphin costume doing authentic dolphin calls. She looks fine as a dime as she slips out of the polyester costume to shoot some tequila. Alexis admits she’s happy to be in the mix, but her vagina is not dancing. She is ready for some new dudes to come through and potentially get things moving.

DeMario/D-Mo rolls up and Chris Harrison asks him about his gf that totaled his experience on Rachel’s season. DeMario admits to leading Lexi on, but refuses to call her his GF. He wants people to see that he really is a good guy, and he’s ready to find his Mrs. Jackson.  As soon as he makes it down to the beach, Raven crushes it with:

“Wait, DeMario, are you single?”

-Raven Nicole Gates

Oh Jesus and he brought a WHISTLE with him. So so so deeply over this.

DeMario tries to win Raven the ringleader over. Raven calls him out for deflecting and denying his bullshit. D-Mo tries to give off good vibes by sharing with Raven that he’s here to be the wingman for the awkward homie in the corner. But wait, aren’t you here to find Mrs. Jackson…?

Derek the crier is here.

Alex, ie: Shawty is also here, and his sleeves are out to play.

Corrine and her platinum vagine have graced us their presence.

“There’s my girl.”

-Chris mothafuckin Harrison

She’s ready to make “Paradise Corrine Again,” she’s not in a rush, she’s not gonna jump on the first guy who pays attention to her, she doesn’t have a BF, she’s here to just “do me.” Corrine has also learned some essential Spanish: siesta, pasta con queso, and champán.  When she gets to the beach, Jas gives her a huge hug, which is something that I want to understand…Jasmine was all over the internet with comments about Corrine being the worst after this whole sexual misconduct thing went down. Jasmine was so not Team Corn during Rachel’s season (or so it seemed), yet these two have been seen on Instragram in buddy-buddy pics. What is happening? Corrine leads the gang in a toast about not taking shit too seriously, and DeMario is eager to get to know the life of the party…

Lacey Mark….who? Oh yeah, the girl who rode up on a camel and said and I QUOTE: “I hear you like a good hump” to Nick Viall as her intro. That’s all.

Diggy’s here with his fly clear-frame glasses. Attractive.

As people continue to roll in, DeMario and Corrine are getting to know each other. Corrine leaps into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist when she realizes they are both from Jersey.  Standard.

Matt Munson, i.e.: Matty Nice, arrives in his penguin costume, and Iggy and Diggy fucking lose their minds upon seeing him. I’m here for the male friendship.

St. Nick is also in the building and he’s here for Jasmine. Before you know it they get “pressured” by camel girl to do a quick MO in front of the fam/cam. And we are off and running! Jasmin revealed on Twitter that she knew Ben before her Bachelor days…interesting.

Amanda Stanton has arrived. She returns her cubic zirconia engagement ring from Josh Murray to Chris Harrison. Mama’s here, and she’s trying to see what’s out there, especially after she got turned down by Tinder for a celebrity profile. HOW?!

Our resident mental health professional has bravely decided to come along on this adventure.   Taylor claims that people were not nice to her after witnessing her vigilante self-righteous drama with Corrine on Nick’s season. She’s terrified, but she’s trying to put herself out there. Raven greets Taylor with a hug and a “Hi, love.” Jasmine was straight up like I told you “don’t come.” YIKES. Taylor needs a man who can build her a fire and take her into the woods for nature sex, and maybe Derek can fill that job posting…We shall see.

Alex has clearly been selected to play the role of narrator until he is eliminated (probably within one episode) as he dictates every move Corrine and DeMario make as they head into the pool for a little romp. DeMario blatantly calls Alex “Allen” as he and Corrine waltz by Shawty and cannonball into ambiguity and shame, which makes this whole thing even more fun. The scariest part of this for me was seeing just how close those cameras are to the contestants when capturing shit on camera.  No thanks.

Now that everyone’s here, Chris Harrison gets the fam together to chat. Hard to believe, but Jorge is moving onto greener pastures to start his own business. He is choked up while breaking the news and the cast is touched for a total of 1 second before WELLS ADAMS sneaks in and is introduced as the neighborhood friendly bartender/love doctor. He’s here for the right reasons, ie: not to date anyone. Chris Harrison then reveals that for the first time ever the ladies are ballin’ shot callin’ week one. The boys gotta be on their best behavior to secure a spot for the next episode….

Kristina gets the first date card and of course she picks beautiful Dean, and of course they sit side by side at a table facing the camera, not touching their dinner, and of course a small army of Mexican folklore dancers show up and start performing while glitter confetti falls from the ceiling, and the two most attractive people on the planet kiss.

Back on the homestead we see Raven eating chips by moonlight. Her first meal on reality TV. Truly spectacular. Lacey tells Iggy that she doesn’t care if you’re short or tall or fat or skinny, just as long as you’re a good person. I was having minor anxiety while Iggy had to point blank as her to lean in so he could kiss her. You like to hump, but you don’t know when a man wants to kiss you? Wells gives his Nashville buddy, Danielle M., some advice from behind the bar, meanwhile Jasmine gets some PM pool time with Matty Nice, complete with underwater fondling.

The sun rises upon a fresh day in Paradise, and the network really takes shit to the next level with Lacey. Her grandfather passed away, and she has to leave after her first night in Mexico. They film Lacey telling Iggy what happened and wishing him luck while trying to hold back tears. Jesus Christ. Let this girl be. That is straight up out of the Lifetime show, Unreal.

Then when things couldn’t get any fucking worse, Robby and his teeth show up. He has swimsuits for each day of his journey that range from cabana boy to gay male dancer. He unfortunately has a date card, and decides to partner up with a fellow Southerner, Raven. They head to the beach and ride a jetski. It’s boring. He’s way more into it than she is, plus Raven has a six abs maximum, and Robby has like 12.

Matty Nice gets a date card next and he goes for Jazzy. This is where shit really gets good. Matt Munson of the fair state of Connecticut was UNSEEN on Rachel’s season. The most solid footage of this prince was when Rachel bid him farewell while weeping because he reminds her of herself and she’s got nothing but respect for him. Brutal. This kid shows up to fucking Paradise, gets fondled in the pool, and is thrown on a date at a drag bar where he is dolled up by the queens in a dress, heels, fake tits, a wig, and a full face of make-up. What a fucking debut! He was just having a good time and going with the flow. He’s not boring. He’s the best.

Just as the squad congregates for the rose ceremony, Iggy calls Alexis crazy and we all hate it, and then BOOM moments before the clock strikes 10:00 PM EST, a producer pulls Corrine aside and we get a taste that shit is about to hit the fan. I can’t tear my eyes away.

Winks and Drinks,

Ann


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