Episode 11: Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend

Minx Rach

Eric Bigger.

We are not worthy. I was confident that this man would not make it to the end, but I did not anticipate his sticking around until Rachel’s very last episode. Boy, am I glad he did. Rachel’s reasoning for saying goodbye was the classic “I love you, I’m just not IN love with you.” That is tough to hear, but Eric’s farewell was tender, not sappy and filled with alligator tears. It was tough to hear from Eric that his last rose ceremony was the one where he felt the most confident. When Eric was brought on stage to see Rachel and the lucky live studio audience he looked phenomenal: his fresh cut that he captured earlier that day on his insta story, his suit, his summertime glow. Their reunion wasn’t wrought with traumatic emotional tension; it was filled with love and respect.

“How’s your heart?”

– Eric

He thanks Rachel for the opportunity to be a part of her journey and credits this experience with transforming him. He has learned firsthand the power of vulnerability to yield personal growth, and he now calls himself a man having fallen in love for the first time. I hope to GOD that Rachel almost gave away that Eric is the next bachelor as she stumbled over her possibly corrected sentence: “You are going to be so great (insert moment of panic) for someone else.” Did you mean so great as the next BACHELOR?! IMHO Eric will bring a sense of godliness to the franchise’s godforsaken warzone. Thank you for being YOU, Eric. We love you! #EricforBachelor #MiracleSeason

Peter.

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater had a wife but couldn’t fucking keep her. Listen. I am such a sucker. I fall for the tricks and the games, and I was SO READY for this whole situation to do a dramatic, vogue-esque 180 in the final hours. Obviously it was never going to. Of course, Peter got the keys to the fantasy suite because maybe, just maybe there’s a chance that this solo time sans cameras was going to foster some beautiful moment where Peter would suddenly be ok with coughing up an engagement after knowing Rachel Lindsay for 2 months. Hey, at least they had the chance to bone, and thank you, ABC, for gifting us with AM shirtless Peter. It’s the absolute fucking least you could have done for us. Post-coital Peter tells us his doubts are fading, but they’re not gone…

Then there’s the monastery date. Comin’ in HOT with those old school Christian morals and values. Marriage is a one-time thing. Marriage is a holy effing sacrament. Oh, yup and here’s a monk to tell you what I just typed. The mosaics of Biblical tales, the stained glass honoring patron saints, Jesus Christ himself on the cross. This was never going to end well. Bryan would have done well in this setting, which is exactly WHY they put Peter here. Peter is not ready to be married, so let’s take him to a church and surround him with cautionary tales about the holiness of matrimony. Meanwhile Bryan is trotting on his noble steed in Spanish wine country next to his future wife.

The real kick in the dick was after the mountainous monastery visit when these two are having the most serious, emotional, real conversation I have ever seen in my life about Peter not looking at an engagement like fast fashion. This isn’t a jewelry opportunity or a chance to date in the real world. It’s marriage, and he wants to get married once, which is a challenge without the damn franchise being in the mix. Rachel tells Peter that she would hope that someone could meet her with a proposal at the end of all of this considering she has so fully put herself out there. She claims that she’s scared of not being proposed to because it could mean she’d be trapped in boyfriend/girlfriend limbo for an indefinite amount of time with someone who might never be ready to just do the damn thing. Peter point blank asks her if she is ready to commit to a lifetime with him.

“I can’t answer that question.”

-Rachel

Not even their “accidental” double matching outfits over the course of their solo time together this week could save them from the inevitable. Peter offers to give up the proposal if it is so damn important to her, but Rach doesn’t want THAT kind of engagement. Peter tries to help Rachel see that she is going to let this one *minor* detail get in the way of their happiness, but Rachel is not going to leave this journey without a hideous ring on her finger. Peter is ready for wine and paint night, the farmer’s market and football games. He can picture it, but he’s not gonna propose tomorrow. So, it’s over?

“Go find someone that will give you a mediocre life.”

-Peter

And then blah blah blah they makeout forever, and cry and makeout, and Rachel’s fake lashes fall off due to tear moisture, and then, it’s over…

OR IS IT.

This whole thing was very triggering for me because it felt too close to the Presidential election of 2016. I went to bed on Tuesday, November 8th, 2016 thinking there is NO WAY that it could possibly turn out the way it looked like it was going to. I was convinced that it was in fact #miracleseason and that I was going to wake up in a kingdom run by a queen.   On Monday, August 7th, 2016 was holding onto the possibility that this tearful goodbye between these gap-toothed hotties wasn’t in fact the end.  That the sneaky footage of Rachel standing in the mountains of Spain awaiting her prince while an unidentifiable male leg steps out of a the limo was all a fucking hoax and Peter was going to propose to Rachel for us on live TV.  Keep dreamin’, sis/wake the fuck up.  You should know better.

Peter comes out on stage traumatized as fuck.  He was looking a little too orange, and he was definitely experiencing some heavy duty emotions. This reunion was not lovely at all. In fact, it seemed very cutting on Rachel’s part as she “calmly” says that Peter just isn’t a good fit for this journey, timeline, and process, i.e.: guess you’re def not the next Bachelor. She then swishes her hair over her shoulder, readjusts her seated position away from him, and passive aggressively assures him that she is in no way leading a mediocre life. She’s living her BEST LIFE. HAH! No fucking way.

This entire finale was a stunning reminder that this whole thing is about the spectacle of marriage and romance. It’s about getting caught up in the headrush of love. Peter’s portion of the finale highlights the brass tacks of what it means to actually be committed to someone. I don’t doubt that Rachel and Bryan have intense feelings for each other. But it’s nice to see someone freaking the fuck out about committing to someone FOR LIFE after knowing them in an alternate reality for less than a semester of college. Cheers to Peter.

Dr. Abs

Whatever. He won. Oh, and Olive totally called that shitty pear diamond. #countit

ANDDDD…I would kill to be a fly on the wall during the conversations between the happy couple about Rachel’s heart wrenching goodbye to Peter.  And I’d also love to be in Bryan’s brain as he unpacks the harsh reality that the entire finale episode focused so little on Prince Charming himself…

Nice knowin’ ya!

Lust and lashes,

Ann


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