Episode 9: Meet The Lindsay’s

PeterRather than separating Eric, Bryan and Peter for the remainder of the journey, these guys are still bro-ing it up together in Dallas. Rachel’s big sister, Constance, is eight months pregnant, so the fam cannot fly out to Spain to meet the final two dudes. ERGO, all three suitors get to meet the Lindsay’s here in Rachel’s hometown.

We see right off the bat that the #roseboys vibes are dwindling and the dynamic is starting to get tense. Peter thinks Bryan is full of shit. Bryan thinks Peter is an indecisive fool who doesn’t have the balls to just propose. IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL, PETER. EVERYBODY’S DOING IT. Eric remains neutral and adorable. In between family visits the remaining two dudes awkwardly laugh or blatantly talk shit to each other. Brutal.

Peter Meets the Fam

Lucky Peter gets sucked into buying baby outfits for Constance’s baby on the way and her three-year-old son, Alistair. I’m guessing this pre-game chore activity choice was based on how sweet Peter was with his niece and nephew last week. He definitely got the shit end of the stick for activities had before the Lindsay family meet and greet.

Peter is well aware he didn’t say “I love you” to Rachel on his hometown date. After being on the chopping block last week, he recognizes that he now has a second chance to let Rachel know how he truly feels so that he doesn’t have to live with immense regret. Before these two enter Rachel’s family’s mansion, Peter admits that Rachel means the world to him and that he is falling in love with her. Hope temporarily redeemed.

The fam is eagerly awaiting Big Rach and her first man. We’ve got Constance, her husband, her son and her fetus. We’ve also got Uncle Jeff and his white wife Connie, cousin Andrea (the best), and Mom/Kathy. I was so counting on seeing Rachel’s dad because we didn’t get a chance to meet him during Rachel’s hometown on Nick’s season. I learned through Bryan’s instagram yesterday that Poppa Lindsay was actually there. He was just not seen on camera. My guess is that this guy is a BFD in the justice system and it was best for him to remain in the wings.

Mom wants to know about Peter’s family. We learn that Peter’s parents met at age 20 and 21, and that after a month of dating his father proposed to his mother. They have been married for 36 years. Rachel is confidently and silently smiling/nodding as if to say: see bitches, this shit happens on AND off TV. Get on my level. Mom’s face is stuck on serious side-eye. Constance points out to Rachel that Peter’s reservations are similar to her hesitation to be expressive with Nick Viall. Alex, Constance’s husband who looks like a mash-up of Steve Jobs, Sigmund Freud and Seth Rogan, asks Peter if there are any characteristics not necessarily of concern but “of note” that he sees in Rachel. We don’t see enough of this conversation. We do, however, see just enough to hate Alex and his superior attitude.

Rather than ask for permission to propose to Rachel, Peter asks Mom if he has her blessing in continuing this journey that may or may not lead to marriage. Honestly, Mom is totally feeling the fact that Peter isn’t gonna pop the Q just to pop the Q. The visit ends with little Alistair drawing on the floor with Peter. The adults ask Alistair, “Who is drawing with you?” Alistair looks around and then says “Peter.” Adorable. Cousin Andrea then looks at little Alistair and says, “Alistair, can you say WINNER?” Boom shakalaka.

But seriously, this is not gonna end well.

Eric Meets The Fam

Eric didn’t get much sleep in anticipation of meeting Rachel’s family. Before they head over to the Lindsay household, Rachel takes Eric to the Reunion Tower to admire the Dallas skyline and quell Eric’s fear of heights. Meanwhile back at the hotel Bryan asks Peter if he asked for a blessing from Rachel’s family. Peter confidently answers no, not a blessing in marriage but a blessing in continuing to date Rachel and build a relationship with her. Bryan scoffs like a Disney villain and assures Peter that he is going for a full-blown marriage blessing.

Again, Rachel’s mom kicks off the visit with questions about Eric’s family and upbringing. Eric is transparent about never witnessing the love and togetherness of his parents as a couple. When the family learns that Eric hasn’t been in love before, everyone is in a goddamn tizzy. This is not a red flag. It’s just some garbage detail ABC is inflating to make the dynamic between Rach and Eric not entirely legit. I was getting heated thinking about how grueling it would be to have a significant other’s family vet the shit out of you to deem you worthy of their beloved child/sister/brother/whatever. Yeah, of course they’re protective, but the way this footage was curated was a little heavy handed. The kid has so much love in him, and it’s apparent from the moment you meet him. Despite the semi-shameful comments and questions about his scant relationship history, Eric remains professional and assures them he is ready for love and marriage. Eric asks Momma Lindsay for her blessing, and in her own roundabout way she says well I guess if my daughter thinks this is what she wants then, yes…?

It’s gonna be really hard to see this kid go.

Bryan Meets His Future In-Laws

Bryan and Rach have their hideous matching watches on and the second the hotel door closes behind the future happy couple, Peter tells Eric that Miami is full of fake boobs, fake asses, fake cheeks, so Bryan and his swagger are probs as fake. Just a thought. Rachel’s brilliant idea for the pre-game is to have Dr. Abs meet the girlfriends who signed her up for Nick’s season. Rachel says to the girls and IN FRONT OF BRYAN that she thought Bryan was a total douchebag when she first met him. HAH! But she now feels like the charm is not just an act, and the douchebag charges have been dropped. Interesting.

Shit gets JUICY when Bryan meets the family. Mom sticks to her pattern and asks Bryan about his family right out of the gate. Bryan shares that he is his mother’s only child, she is the number one woman in his life, there’s nothing but unconditional love there. Momma Lindsay “loves” that Bryan is close to his mother, but then flat out asks him where his loyalty would lie should his future wife and mother not get along. Bryan lies and answers: the wife. He also hopes that his future wife and deranged mother could work things out if they did bump heads. Momma Lindsay strikes again with, “Yes, but what if it couldn’t be resolved?” Bryan panics. He looks at Rachel who goes to bat for him saying that he already answered the question. Couple of things:

  1. Fuck YES. Thank YOU, Momma Lindsay, for asking the realest most important question. Rachel was def pissed that her mom came out swinging, but that shit needed to be asked and Bryan needs to be thinking about this shit if he is so damn serious about locking it down. Again, another reason to stay single: In-Laws.
  2. Bryan is gonna catch some serious heat from his madre after she sees this episode. Not only did Bryan remain “disloyal” to his mother in answering that question, but Rachel didn’t say anything fake to redeem him or herself. She wasn’t like omg mom don’t worry, that would never happen J Communication is key J His mother is so amazing J Of course she didn’t because as his FUTURE WIFE she would want him to say that he would remain loyal to her. Fuck this shit.

Constance is unsure if there’s any sincerity behind Bryan’s “direct, open” responses, and calls him out for having a canned response to everything. Constance’s dicky husband, Alex, is the actual fucking worst when he tells Rachel that her reaction to her mother’s questions is “emotional.” No shit, it’s emotional you motherfucker. Are you trying to tell me that when protective family members are interrogating your significant other, you are not going to have some sort of emotional response? Don’t try to silence me with a dismissal of my behavior as being emotional. If I started interrogating you about some personal ass shit would you have any feelings about it? Emotions are literally the must human thing ever, and even you, my friend, are not above them. I hate this man.

Bryan of course asks Rachel’s mom for her blessing. She is wary of the love these two allegedly feel, but she trusts Rachel to make a good decision, so sure, Byran, take a blessing on your way out.

Suite, Suite Fantasy Baby – The Eric Bigger Edition

Finally we are done with Dallas and we are off to Rioja, Spain. We’ve got bumpy cobblestone streets, cathedral bells, youths on bicycles, and Rach in her espadrilles sipping some fine wine. We have arrived in the land of sex.

Eric and Rachel meet up to take a helicopter ride to the coast and enjoy the northern Spanish countryside. After admiring rolling hills and vineyards from above, Rach and Eric have a heart to heart in stunning San Juan de Gaztelugatxe. At dinner Rachel spoon feeds Eric multiple leading questions about how he feels to try to get him to just spit out that he loves her. Eric dances around the words for a minute, but then he deep dives into his feelings. He admits that this whole thing has been super challenging, and he started to self-destruct in the beginning but Rachel has really encouraged him to be open and vulnerable. And then boom:

“Rachel Lindsay, I love you.”

– Eric

Eric then does a dramatic reading of the fantasy suite card, shouts out how cool Chris Harrison is, and off they go to bone-town. More time equals more opportunity to connect, and it also means that these two can see each other in a new light, like when we see post-coital Rachel without her fake eyelashes. Bottom line, Eric is just a doll. Nothing but love for ya, Big E.

Bittersuite Fantasy: The Peter Edition

Peter and Rachel are next with some alone time. They head to a vineyard owned by the best, little, old Spanish man ever. He speaks no English. He sings an adorable song with gusto about an “Americanita” and then shows the lovebirds to a private cellar labeled “Raquel y Pedro” where there’s some special vino for them. Just as these two are about to have a serious conversation about where they’re at in their relationship, an adorable child appears and leads them to a barrel of grapes where they stomp, stomp, stomp with their bare feet. After a sexy day at the vineyard, they finally have *the talk*. Rachel is very clear that she feels she has sacrificed a lot to be here, and she wants to be ENGAGED at the end of this. This woman is label hungry. Peter views an engagement as some serious shit. He wants to be engaged once in his life, and for him an engagement means we are ready to get married now we have to plan our actual wedding. Rachel sees it as a commitment to continue to build a relationship without some crazy time restrictions on when they actually say “I do.” Peter is not on the same page at all. These two are both firm in their stances, and we are left with a big fat “TO BE CONTINUED” as Rachel silently tears up wondering if there is any way these two can make it work. Woof.

Arriba, abajo, al centro y adentro,

Ann

 


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