Episode 7: Watch Me

Chris Harrison

It’s the week before hometowns, and Big Rach and her remaining 6 suitors are headed to Geneva, Switzerland for more of that old world Euro charm.

Rachel struts into the hotel room and tells the boys that this week there will be three 1:1 Dates, one Group Date, and no Rose Ceremony. The guys are obviously shitting themselves, but I appreciate that Rach is planning to just call it in the moment rather than lead these guys on and then break their hearts at a RC.

Rachel confidently busts out another power move and in front of everyone asks Bryan to join her on the first 1:1 in Geneva. (Note: he didn’t have a date card for his first 1:1 either…) While Bryan is gussying himself up, Rachel asks the guys to trust her. She’s gotta make them believe they still have a chance, even though they know and we know Bryan is the frontrunner.

Bryan’s Luxurious 1:1

Bryan and Rachel stroll out of the hotel, and dare I say it, their outfits are definitely doing some heavy foreshadowing: a white button down, top button undone, sports coat and smart slacks on our botoxed Columbian, and an all white get up on our girl, Rachel. Are those church bells I hear? Rachel reveals that they are about to get fancy on this date. Bryan steps into the driver seat of some fucking car that is probably a big deal to car people, and they cruise by the UN and take in the wonderment that is neutral Switzerland. They find themselves in a watch store, and try on some overpriced timepieces. As the lovebirds admire the hideous matching watches they’re modeling, Rachel smiles wide and tells Bryan that she’s got this. She’s getting them both engagement watches. A few things:

  1. The straps on these watches are some of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The tacky white stitching against the (I hope) authentic black leather is something out of the jewelry section at Khols. Guys, Switzerland is one of the most expensive countries in the world, and I just found this look alike watch at Khols for THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS BEFORE TAXES. This piece of shit that signifies their imminent engagement could not have been cheap. This makes the $650.00 sweatshirt Corrine bought Nick on her hometown date look like a smart financial decision.
  2. This trash wrist accessory signifies that she values the time she spends with Bryan, and that she also wanted the same one for herself shows she’s not messing around on the whole till death do us part thing…
  3. This.

Bryan is over the moon and pounces on Rachel with his mouth as a thank you for his Swiss gift. He’s picking up what she’s putting down. As if this marriage themed 1:1 couldn’t get more marriage-y, these two end up in a gorgeous concert hall all to themselves. Rachel is eager to hear more about Bryan’s family, and we are still awaiting the skeleton to saunter out of his closet. By glowing candlelight Bryan shares that his last relationship was “eerily similar” to his connection with Rachel, i.e.: hot and heavy. Shortly after they started dating, Bryan invited her to a family wedding in Columbia. That’s when things went south. He said that she wasn’t willing to meet his mother halfway, whatever the hell that means. This unwillingness to compromise was the reason for the relationship’s demise. No pressure, Rachel, but mommy’s in charge, and she’ll always be the number one lady in Bryan’s heart. But have so much fun in Miami with his family, and I hope your eventual break-up doesn’t leave you sick from stress and even more pessimistic than you already claim to be!

Let’s just skip pass this huge red flag and watch Bryan and Rachel slow dance and suck face on the concert hall’s stage while a string quartet plays for them in the Abraham Lincoln box seats. He might make you feel like a princess, Rach, but it sounds like his mama is the Queen. Either way, we are going to Miami, and I am already wet thinking about Byran speaking Spanish.

1:1

Date Card: Put on your Sunday best.

Featuring: Dean

Nervous, adorable Dean is looking cuter than ever for Big Rach. Rachel’s faith is an important part of her life, and she values the sense of community she gains from being a member of her church. We know from Dean’s first 1:1 that he is also religious, so why not hit up a Catholic Mass in French in the Old Town section of Geneva? No Catholic Mass is complete without coffee-and. While enjoying pastries and coffee with local parishioners, Rachel was clearly pressured to approach an old, white, Swiss couple and ask them how long they’ve been married, loudly of course, to assist with the language barrier.

Dean has all sorts of walls up and is using his playfulness to get out of keeping it real with Rachel. I love her for calling him out on it. Long gone are the days of Husband Material relay races and Viking Games. It’s time to get down and dirty with your emotional self. Dean finally takes a moment to be serious and admits that he is nervous for her to meet his family. Dean’s family just hasn’t been the same since his mother passed away. He describes his family as “patriarchal and dysfunctional.” Buckle up. Ultimately, he is nervous that if Rachel meets his family, she might change her mind about Dean and might think that if they were to ever get married, they would end up as fucked as his family. All valid concerns. Rach isn’t worried. All he needed to do was spill his guts, and she is won over. We’re going home with Deanie Baby.

1:1

Date Card: We’re at the peak of our relationship.

Featuring: Peter

What an ominous date card.  ANYWAYS!  It’s been 6 weeks since Peter had the first 1:1 date, and now here we are with him for the final 1:1 date of the season. Our gap-toothed friends hop in a helicopter and soar over the patchwork Swiss countryside and up to the snowy Alps. Rachel has longed for Peter, and this date is a test to see if their love connection is still alive and well.  After a snuggly dogsled ride through icy winds, they arrive in a tundra abyss where Peter reveals that he’s had some dark days on this journey. He even considered peacing out because this whole process is just so fucked. Can’t blame ya, bro. Having nothing but the depths of his own imagination to occupy himself with has proved to be quite the challenge, but ultimately the warm memories of their Bark Fest 1:1 and the 3.5 hour hot tub escape kept him hanging on.

Peter finally shares some gory deets about his most recent relationship. Because he felt like he couldn’t give all of his love to his ex, he called it quits and broke her heart. This is still pretty raw for Peter as he chokes back tears, admitting that he still feels super guilty about it. Every word counts for Miss Rachel. She’s got lawyer ears and misses nothing. She asks Peter if he is ready to give his heart completely now. Peter *thinks* that he’s ready. Peter, if you’re gonna overtake Bryan you GOTS TO KNOW, but hey, at least he’s being honest. Peter said that if they’re getting to the end of the road and he isn’t ready to propose, he will let her know. How considerate. Rach wants a husband, so that Peter has any reservations at this point is stressing her the fuck out. Especially when she’s got fucking Bryan who is ready to go. Still, we are going home to meet Peter’s family.

Group Date

Date Card: Tomorrow will be difficult, I don’t know what else to say.

Featuring: Eric, Adam, Matt

These four stressed souls country hop from Switzerland to France to chill at Chateaux and figure out who the last man standing will be. We’ve seen literally NOTHING from Matt this entire season, and that’s probably because there wasn’t any back story to exploit or juicy drama to play up. Rachel was particularly emotional during her time with Matt. Come to find out, she sees a lot of herself in him, but other relationships have surpassed where these twinsies are at. After a tender hug, and some tearful kisses, Rachel bids Matt farewell as he gets into the black car still clutching a champagne flute. Au revoir, Matt.

Adam has been laying it on thick as he tries to will a Hometown Date into reality, but it’s just not happening for him. Rachel has a much less emotional goodbye with Adam. Wait, where the fuck was Adam Junior this entire episode?!

Eric tells Rachel that he grew up in a rough neighborhood with a family that was disjointed and unsupportive during his childhood, but despite this painful experience he has relied on positivity to push through. Rachel is definitely nervous that Eric’s never brought a girl home, but she’s willing to give it a shot. Enya-ish tunes underscores their convo as Rachel plants the rose on Eric’s lapel. We are going to Baltimore.

With Bryan, Dean, Peter and Eric remaining we are homeward bound next week.

Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow till you find your dream,

Ann


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