RAVEN’S HOMETOWN: HOXIE, ARKANSAS
Wet and wild AF. Still convinced Nick had to pull a leech off his balls after sexin’ in the swamp with Raven during some mid-moring muddin’.
RACHEL’S HOMETOWN: DALLAS, TEXAS
Was so not into Rachel’s big sister’s white husband. Honestly, the whole time I was just thinking about how hometowns are gonna go when Rachel is in the driver’s seat…
CORINNE’S HOMETOWN: MIAMA, FLORIDA
I love that Nick had anxiety hives as Corinne hands over a credit card- who is the cardholder, btw?- willy nilly to pay for Nick’s trendy, overpriced, boutique, scam of a Henley tee. Raquel was not what I was expecting, which made me love her even more.
VANESSA’S HOMETOWN: MONTREAL
This was the last straw for me. Every single member of your large Italian family at the hometown date? AND you gotta go see mom’s side of the fam and THEN dad’s side. Check yourself, Vanessa, and don’t bring Lucca, Nicola, Paola, Paolo, Giovanni, Matteo, Pietro, Marco, Andrea, Isabella, and Nonna into this. I’d hit that manicotti though…
Obviously ABC had to “stir the pot” and bring Andi Dorfman – she’s an a NYT Bestseller, folks! – into Nick’s Brooklyn hotel room. Andi gives her “feminist” rant after Nick pretends that he’s unsure if he’s actually gonna get it on with the final three. Andi says Nick should fuck whomever he wants, but only if both people are consenting, but he should totally just do it. Cool. So original and so well worded.
Alright, we knew we were going to have to say goodbye at some point, and I’m glad Corinne busted out the full theatrics for her farewell. Genuine tears, turned camera tears, turned low-key giggles, turned chugging a stein of champers in the back of the SUV. This is not the last we are going to see of our hero. No sirree Bob.
And we are off to Finland, i.e. the most northern place Nick has ever been. Raven’s up first, and Nick admits that Raven makes him feel “crazy in a good way.” Hopefully Nick can make Raven feel “crazy in a good way” on her clitoris.
RAVEN’S SWEET SWEET FANTASY
Who even cares what they did before they boned…
“Nick is really good at what he does, so I am pretty satisfied today.” -Raven
Raven finally o-ed. #internationalwomensday This whole thing is making me soooo uncomfortable, especially her use of the word satisfied. (Real quick- Satisfactory is a term from your middle school report card that meant you were barely scraping by. Satisfied is what old men say while rubbing their taut button down after overeating meat and potatoes. Satisfied means you are accepting a shitty negotiation at your business meeting through gritted teeth. O-ing is so much more than doing ok in Social Studies, a Cracker Barrel meal, and a mediocre legal agreement. Why do we use this word around sex? I digress.) The fact that you are a grown ass woman and have not yet made this happen for yourself makes me very sad, Raven. Honestly, I’d be so tightly wound that I’d let one rip during a traditional Hoxie four wheelin’ muddin’ sesh. Have you not ridden bicycle? Been in a car driving over a bumpy road? Did this not send you into orbit? And then they fucking make her skip through the streets and kiss reindeer statues, make snow angels. THE HORROR. I am so embarrassed, but also glad it finally happened for her.
RACHEL’S FANTASY SUITE: A BED OF LIES
The spirit of Christmas was so real in my heart during this date. The winter wonderland cross-country trek through the Finnish wilderness was poetic as hell. But the feelings of warm, cinnamony, snowy wonderment was shot to shit the second Rachel started to get vulnerable, because we all know where she’s headed…The physical structure Nick and Rachel were in for a brief 1:1 meeting was very reminiscent of a sweat lodge. Cool your jets, ABC. Nick and Rachel were done before they started, and no powerful conversation or visionary quest in this sweatlodge is gonna change that.
Stupid Nick recounts all of their ups and downs (if you can even call them that) and cites the shitty group volleyball date where she “lost her mind.” Rachel skips zero beats and immediately calls him out on that being an “overstatement.” YES. And it’s more than an overstatement, it’s a gaslighting, chicken shit, garbage, throw away line that women hear over and over after they express how they feel with any sort of affect in their voice. Heaven forbid we talk about how we feel or when we push back when circumstances are trifling as hell. FUCK. OFF. No more men telling women they are crazy. Oh, and no, NICK, you absolutely can’t call yourself Saint Nick after that patriarchal ass comment. #internationalwomensday
Holy hell the second that Rachel finally spills that she is falling for Nick, he fires right back with “I am falling for you, too.” WHAT THE FUCK?! Rachel is glowing as they head into their shared bedroom and we hear kissy noises as the camera zooms out and shows the exterior of the gorgeous cabin in Narnia. Girl, this sucks. I am sorry. I do really love her penguin snuggie that she is rockin’ as Nick prepares a below average breakfast before heading off to his other girlfriend.
VANESSA’S ANNOYING AND SHE HAD SEX WITH NICK
I have so many pet peeves with this chic, but the greatest of them all is her tossed back head every time they kiss. She lets her neck fully release and sit on her upper back. Nick has to approach this like he is dropping a kiss from a helicopter and plop it directly on top of her face. It comes across as whiny and physically exhausting. I need a damn massage just watching this shit.
Nick’s balls were in his stomach during most of this date as these idiots run back and forth from freezing cold water into a sauna. Nick is spinning this like he’s the one motivating Vanessa to get out of her comfort zone, and Vanessa is spinning it like she wants to keep going but Nick is over it. Well yeah, he’s ball-less now, and this side by side recount of how the date is going says a lot about their future failed marriage.
Vanessa’s catchphrase this episode was “core values.” Apparently she has them, and she’s not willing to budge. Nick says he’s “not traditional”, i.e. he wants to marry just Vanessa, not Vanessa and her Italian army. Vanessa’s like, it’s a package deal bitch, and you better believe we are doing cena alla casa mia in Montreal con la mia famiglia ogni Domenica. They both sort of understand in theory that relationships are about compromise, but they are struggling to identify what it is that they are actually willing to compromise. Nick thinks that they’re similar and that this could mean conflict; but, if they can figure it out it could be a passionate ass affair. GROAN SIGH UGHHH.
Rachel’s goodbye was hard to watch. This girl is the real deal. She is honest and her reactions are true to who she is. Raven and Rachel’s goodbye hug was so sincere and tender compared to Rachel and Vanessa’s one arm back pat. I was furiously taking notes and wrote down: Here’s a quick note, Nicholas/all people everywhere: don’t tell people they are amazing after kicking them to the curb. Just don’t. This is a time when no words are best. BOOM AND THEN RACHEL SAID THE SAME SHIT. Because it’s true, and she/we get/s it. She is gonna DEMOLISH her season. And I cannot wait.
To getting what we need and not what we want,