Episode 7: It’s Bimini, Bitch

We kick off this episode with a raincloud doomsday energy.  ABC sets us up “wondering” if Nick is actually going to continue his journey…

My question to you is, are there actually people out there that believed well this is it, he’s reached his emotional breaking point and the show is over, and what the fuck am I going to do on Monday nights now?!? I want to be inside your brain.  What do you imagine the show would look like, would it just get cancelled all together, would it turn into a spin-off biopic on the remaining ladies…I’m sorry but this “what’s Nick gonna do thing” is as transparent as Corinne’s beachy, linen cover-up.  The show must go on, and our baby boy is only beginning to feel the pain.

And just like that the music changes from the Jaws theme song to the score of the Pursuit of Happyness with the sound of hope and love and moneeyyyyy because this ain’t no non-profit, ABC’s gotta pay their bills just like everybody else.

Corinne is nothing but a pure delight for me, and she did not let me down with her confused “omg it’s a dream come true, we’re going to Biminieeee” comment.  Look, I don’t even know where Bimini is, Corinne definitely doesn’t know where Bimini is.  I had never even said the word Bimini before this episode.  But I like how ABC encouraged us to pull out the old atlas.

VANESSA’S 1:1

Vanessa’s date card reads: Let’s go deeper…no surprises here, their 1:1 is chock full of otherworldly kisses.  Whether these two are swapin spit in fake outer space or under the ocean waves alongside a shipwreck it’s nothing but pure magic, and OMG yup, the word LES is spray painted on the side of the shipwreck….Wait, is Jaimi here?  Vanessa is ready to tell Nick she’s in “L-word” with him, and Nick is committed to saving his “L-word” for the one and only.  I accused him of leading with his dick for a majority of this season -and he has- but his reserving the L-word for the gameshow winer shows us that he’s deeper than that…

GROUP DATE

Well lookie here, Corinne, ie: Queen of Group Dates, Raven and Kristina are swimming with sharks.  This strange activity brought back vivid memories of the wild pigs that were involved in Ben Higgins’ Bahamas group date last Bachelor season.  Those unpredictable oinkers are far more terrifying than the sharks for me.  You tell me the last time a shark followed you out of the ocean.  This whole, let’s be survivor for an episode thing really kills my bachelor boner, ABC.  When the ladies learn about the sharks, Corinne asks, are they toothless.  It’s like she’s right there with me.  Mind meld.  I had the same question.  Christina was scared shitless, and decides that a watery demise is not really her thing.  She’d rather sleep with Nick than sleep with the fishes.  Nick comforts her with lots of tender kisses on the head, and I’m like she’s got this in the bag.

Corinne knows that sharks are born swimming and she’s not going to go down without a fight.  She makes sure Nick knows that she knows she hasn’t had a 1:1, and he clearly really admires her persistence.  There’s a reason she’s made it this far without a 1:1, because this whole season has been a 1:1 with Corinne.   Come on guys, there’s no way she is leaving us before hometowns.  America needs to see where she comes from, what her parents are like, how do you prepare cheese pasta, we need cucumber snacks, we need Raquel, and don’t you dare take that away from us.  Nick really threw me for a loop when he gave the group date rose to Raven instead of Christina.  It’s only the beginning…

DANIELLE M’S 1:1

OK Danielle M is a snoozefest, my heart went out to her when she shared her tragic story about her fiancé taking his own life, and that’s no joke, but when all you have to say is that someone is “nice”, I’m sorry, you’re done for.  What does nice even mean?  You’re polite?  You have manners?  SOUNDS SEXY AS HELL.  To make matters worse, Nick also referred to their connection as a friendship.  You can see yourself out Danielle.

Enter Corinne stage left.  She has initiated operation conjugal visit to lock in a spot on next week’s episode under the guise of “I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”  She makes it as far as the bedroom and begins lite massage instructions before Nick calls the whole thing off.  Again, I’m impressed.  That was never going to end well.  I knew this wasn’t going to end well, and I am glad that Nick had the emotional intelligence to come to that conclusion as well.

RACHEL’s 1:1

No surprises here, Rachel’s 1:1 with Nick was sexy and local.  Just kicking it with a Biminie bartender, sippin some brewskis, talking about life, and how Nick better call her father SIR otherwise you donnneee.  Nick’s definitely stressing about the hometowns, but he’s super into Rachel, as am I.  That is why I am SO disappointed in ABC for leaking slash just publishing that she is going to be our next bachelorette.  What a garbage move.  Have you no respect?  No class?  Wait until she gets sent home you MONSTERS.  That being said, all I want in a bachelorette is to feel like she could be my friend, like I am on her side 100%, like she is relatable and sexy and has a strong sense of self, and hot damn Rachel has it.  And she’s black, FUCKING FINALLY.

The last thing I will say, is that if this show knows what’s good for them, they better have real ass therapists, no mental health professional vigilantes like Taylor, the real deal,  on hand to mediate the emotions of this emotional shipwreck.  Poor Kristina.  Again, I knew she wasn’t gonna win, but I don’t think she knew she wasn’t gonna win.  I was fighting back tears as she cried in the SUV after being sent home.  How many triggers has she experienced throughout her entire time on this show to rev up traumatic memories.  I am going to choose to switch off emotionally.  And just hope that she meets a prince real soon.

Is Nick going to bid adieu to another woman before hometowns, only time will tell.  I’m Ann, and I’ll see you here next week for more honest journalism.

Cheese cubes and champers,

Ann


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