Episode 6: Bump, Set, Choke

I’m not going to go home without speaking my piece….OK Taylor.  Let’s see what you’ve got.  I LOVE watching how uncomfortable Nick is when people suck.  He 10000% doesn’t want to talk to Taylor as she gives us her last vigilante speech.  Put your counselor hat away, you’re not going to save him, Taylor.  She’s acting like she’s just looking out for what’s best for Nick when in reality, she’s just pissed it ain’t her.  She is totally going to be fifty shades of justice for Halloween.  Honestly, I am glad that this stupid encounter lasted less than five minutes.  Because I need less of Taylor and more of THIS:

What I learned tonight is cats have nine lives and bitches have two…I’m a good person until you give me a reason not to be, and don’t ever call me a liar in front of my boyfriend.” – Corinne

Nick starts this week off decisive.  No cocktail party, just gettin’ right into it.  He’s a man who knows what he wants.  Let’s see how long this lasts…

Honestly, last night I finally had that moment when I was like riggghhhtttt….so this is actually psychological warfare.  Who created this show and who did they consult to make this a prisoner of war situation?  The reason these ladies are unraveling left and right is because ohhh I don’t know: they abandoned their previous lives and jobs to come live in a house full of strangers and they’re all vying for the one and only prize available, oh and they can’t communicate with the outside world, their lives are dictated by an army of producers, they have only their minds and each other to occupy themselves, JUST SOME GUESSES!

ALSO- is it just me or did anyone else hear Nick whisper, “you’re beautiful” to Vanessa as he embraced her post rose hand-off?!? Maybe/definitely I’m the brainwashed one.  I am not surprised that Jaimi and Josephine were bid adieu; however, I am surprised they lasted this long.  Good for Jaimi bringing her A game with those fierce purple lips as her swan song.  I am devastated that we had to say farewell to Alexis, and holy shit she is 23?!? I do not believe that for a nanosecond.  We knew she wasn’t going to make it to the final episode, but it’s always hard to see a #badbitch get let go.

Off to Saint Thomas we go, and we’ve got 9 ladies dancing after the rose ceremony.  Dang where has the time gone?!  Naturally every destination has it’s uniform, and Saint Thomas’ was a white flowy tank with cut-off/distressed jorts.  And what would an island getaway be without the women giving forced commentary on the *amazing* resort they are staying in, recapping for us how they “fought” over who is going to get which beautiful room, and how spectacular the view is from this balcony, and wait omg, there is NICK IN A SEAPLANE!!!

Nick’s 1:1 with Kristina means yet another 1:1 goes by that does not involve Jasmin….Kristina’s date was an opportunity to showcase another heart wrenching personal tale of struggle and eventual triumph.  My emotional brain is hopscotching from question to question and justification to justification.  Is this exploitation, or is it important for ABC to have contestants get personal and share their pain to make us all realize, wow, Ann, don’t be a giant judge monster, everybody hurts…? But wait isn’t the whole show just basically a judge fest, but wait Kristina is actually kind of a star. Born and raised in Russia, eating lipstick because her mother couldn’t afford food, Kristina eventually ends up in an orphanage for 8 years.  She knows that once she turns 16 she will be out of the orphanage and that prostitution might be the only option for survival.  At age 12 she makes the impossible decision to leave her biological sibling and orphanage family to go to the land of the free and home of the brave and become a part of the American family who wants to adopt her.  Holy guacamole.  Nick is clearly in awe of Kristina, and rightly so.  What he’s feeling is written all over his face, something I can absolutely stand behind.

Kristina’s story of rough Russian beginnings and eventual immigration and adoption by Americans wasn’t the only thing that got me sprung/mentally reeling about the state of our fair nation…Corinne’s face lighting up when Lorna, the black maid at the Saint Thomas resort, shows up and explains she is there to make beds, clean up, and get the girls whatever they need.  Queue footage of Corinne lounging by the pool with Lorna entering stage left carrying seafood snacks.  Lorna adjusts Corinne’s towel to make sure Corinne feels nothing but comfortable.  This was too much for me.  No, thank you.

The group date, ie:  The Jazzy Fizzle Productshizzle, was a sloppy, tequila tears train wreck, and the beginning of Nick’s spiral into an emotional black hole of uncertainty and hopelessness.  Corinne’s drunken volleyball antics were the worst and then Jasmin swoops in and actually pushes Corinne to the ground like she’s a toddler in a sandbox.  Now YOU’RE THE WORST, JASMIN.  Do your research and check your personality: if you fall victim to the pawns (Corinne) in the game, you will become the worst version of yourself/or reveal who you truly are and you will go bye-bye.  Seriously, just watch any season of this show and you will see.  Jasmin was never my fave, and last night really sealed the deal for me.  She’s insufferable.  The only thing close to this horrific was Danielle L’s cut out, high necked bikini top.  What a tan line shit show.

Jasmin, power to you (I guess) for knowing your “worth”, but if you have to elevator pitch yourself to a potential suitor, quit while you’re ahead. Also, how the fuck do you know if there’s something *there* between you and Nick if you’ve never had a 1:1…?She’s just so far gone.  You can see yourself out, Jasmin.  Her behavior during her chat with Nick post playground antics was TRAGIC and made me so uncomfortable.  She began digging her own grave the second she opened her mouth, but the real kiss of death was when she started fake choking Nick.  All the signs were there for her to just shut the fuck up, but she could not be stopped.  Nick was all set as soon as she started her million miles a minute spiel on how she KNOWSSS that he notices her but yet he still has not asked her on a 1:1.  You do the very simple math here, Jaz.  You got this.  The only thing that choked last night was Jasmin.  Byeeeee.  The one thing I will say, is that her buzzed rambling hit really close to home.  We all know that level of intoxication when you’re speaking faster than you’ve ever spoken in your life and you can’t even help yourself.  Lastly, Jasmin stated the following during her tearful SUV ride away from the group date: “I don’t think he knows what he wants.”  No bitch, he just doesn’t want you.

My favvvvvoorrriittteeeee gems of this episode were the following: Kristina, Raven and Rachel sharing a big comfy bed, empty wine bottles scattered across the room, and mascara tears during pillowtalk as they attempt unpacking the gravity that is #bachnation.  God I love female friendship! And sleepovers!  And feelings!  ALSO…the nicknames are starting to roll out.  I LOVE when we start to hear people call each other by the names they go by *off-camera* (think Robbie calling Jojo by her full name, Joelle, to establish how fckn serious he was about not being gay and wanting to win.  It didn’t work.  Also you had literal plastic surgery on your teeth. That is all.) But seriously, when the women started calling Danielle L, D-Lo, I was like YAASS and before Jasmin swan dived out of the show, some ladies referred to her as Jas.  Love a good nickname.  Nicknames mean connection and endearment.  BRING.  IT.  ON.

Oh God…here we go with a 2:1.  D-Lo and Whitney, wait who the fuck is Whitney? Lolz.  As soon as they got on the helicopter I was brought back to when Olivia was left in the dust during semi-dangerous weather on a beach during Ben Higgins’ famous 2:1 date last year.  Fortunately, Whitney didn’t have gale force winds plus the helicopter vortex and tsunami waves when she was abandoned on this island with the like super cute cabana bed thing!  This whole 2:1 situation stunk to high heaven.  I had a feeling that they were both going to be 86’d and sure enough, the second Danielle spills her guts at dinner, Nick starts to unravel…Honestly, I feel like Nick experienced the same mental acrobatics I did when Christina shared her tale of two cities.  It’s like your brain was like, hey, wanna play 52 pickup and fucking BOOM just so many thoughts and questions fired into the air and how are you ever going to clean this mental mess up.  Will I find love? Why am I here? Is there something wrong with me if someone tells me they are falling for me and I feel nothing?  Wait, but I thought that I was going to feel this way about her?  I am 36.  I am on this show for the third time.  Death is imminent.  Am I even capable of reciprocating love?  What is the meaning of life?  What is my purpose? I wonder if Nick would have struggled MORE with his decision to send her home if Danielle had offered two different words to describe what she is looking for in a relationship.  Love and trust……girl, you’re better than that.  Nick said adventurous and raw.  NICE!  I hope we see Danielle again…her eyebrows are just too perfect.

“I really want it to work out but I want it to be real and I want it to be right.  Right now I feel terrified that it’s not going to happen.”  -Nick

The emotional breakdown express has left the station, and it’s raging full steam ahead.  The good news is, Corinne’s platinum vagine is on deck/dick next week.

Umm and if you needed ANOTHER reason to want Jasmin off this show, the post-credits footage of her feeding 99% dark chocolate to Corinne and Rachel, watching them hate it, and triumphantly dancing because she “tricked” them.  Seriously, you belong in some sort of devil’s playground.  You know she is going to be the reason you are screaming at your TV during The Ladies Tell All….

Beachy hair and existential crises,

Ann


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