Episode 4: WisconSINS and Virtues

Vanessa, you’re not actually going to give your rose back.  Put that semi-ultimatum away.  You’re not going anywhere, honey.  Nick telling Vanessa to “be patient” is just code for: hey, what’s up, real quick this is reality TV.  I’ve done this one million times total and honestly, people watch for three reasons:  reason number one is me, number two is you, Vanessa, because you are going to win, and number three is for Corinne, the source of all drama, memorable similes, and bumper sticker toasts about “deserving love.”

For a mental health professional Taylor is taking all the bait and slowly becoming unhinged.  In my humble opinion, she successfully out-crazied Corinne by the end of this episode.  I thought I was going to be into this chic.  Nah, she had me yellin’ at the TV by the end.  Over it.

I’m a sucker, but even I knew they couldn’t toss Corinne to the curb this early on.  It’s only week four.  Holy shit that means these girls have been at at Bachelor Boarding School for a whole month….I am so into the low-key friendships that are budding.  I mean come on, most of these ladies must know they aren’t making the cut.  This is just an amazing excuse to make more besties, MO on TV, and lay some groundwork for your lifestyle blog.

Wait lol the first time these ladies get to leave Bach Nation for a “destination” it’s to Wisconsin, they’re all like wooooooo/booooo.  But tbh, I am very into Nick’s humble Midwest beginnings, his parents’ height differential, how his mom is def a 70s flower child with her nose pierced.  Watching her get emotional over seeing her son just made my damn day.  Nick crying because his mom is crying.  I can’t.  I don’t know what had me more weepy yesterday, watching Homeward Bound for the first time in 15 years or seeing Nick get teary with his momma.

“We don’t want to see you on this show again.”  – Nick’s Dad

We see the squad (ie: The Chambray Army) rock up to Waukesha, and my girl Danielle L gets asked out on a date in front of the fam a la Bachelor in Paradise.  Savage.  Danielle L’s 1:1 had so many shining moments:

  • Nick pointing out the river he once jumped in for $12.00
  • Stepping into a bakery and having the baker/cashier who presents like a Kristin Wiig or Rachel Dratch SNL character give Danielle and Nick cookies to frost as themselves…?
  • Running into one of Nick’s exes.  Wait, I’m sorry if I am too far gone to not be able to discern choreographed meet-cutes from happy accidents that are then micromanaged to support the Bachelor conglomerate, BUT Nick seeing his ex in the window of a care felt very *honest*.  If anything, seeing Nick, his ex and Danielle L all sitting together made Danielle L look like a teenager….
  • Guys, I think Danielle L might be the next bachelorette.  I feel like she’s starting to just shine through and really show us who she is.  She might also be the next David Blaine because it clearly took some advanced magic skills to keep her perfect boobs in that dress during cocktails and dancing to (another) live concert hall with Old Saint Nick.

Home home on the range, where the basics in high heeled boots play…This week’s group date was a definite downgrade from last week’s sing and dance along with BSB.  Corinne was built for comfort, and she’d “rather be in a spa being fed a chicken taco.”   Corinne is a damn hero you guys, she wouldn’t even let Raquel do farm chores because Raquel is BETTER THAN THAT.  Honestly, a day on the farm would probably feel like a vacation compared to being Corinne’s nanny/cheese pasta aficionado.   The main attraction of this date was Nick feeding baby animals #vibes  Also, duh the lesbian milked the cow in one go.  She criticized Nick for not being able to do it even though he’s had experience with teats, but then she got her hands in there, and voila…..you do the math.

“Let’s be slow and deliberate with our scooping.”  – Nick to the women pretending to have fun whilst shoveling shit.

Raven’s 1:1 – Four words:  Sixpence None the Richer.  Hittin up lil sis’ soccer game, kissing at the roller rink, roller skating in the Milwaukee Art Museum, triumphant tales of seeing the snatch of the bitch that fucked your man.  I honestly did not anticipate Raven being in the mix for the long haul, but I really think that she’s gonna make it far, and I am v pleased about this.

Obviously these ladies are reaching their limit with Corinne’s bullshit, and I can totally appreciate that.  The thing is, I appreciate this more:

“I’m a good person. I’m not just saying that.  I’m a corn husk you gotta peel the layers back.  And then in the middle is this luxury yellow corn with all these little pellets of information and it’s juicy. Buttery. You want to get to that corn. Nick needs that corn.” –  Corinne on Corinne

Remember when Shrek taught us that onions have layers?  Well Corinne is reframing this wisdom with a much more desirable vegetable.  My girl, Becca Tilley, from Bachelor seasons gone by was interviewed by Access Hollywood Live’s Kit Hoover and guest co-host Theresa Caputo ( ie: The Long Island Medium!!!) and she hit the nail on the head.  She described Corinne as “consistent.”  And she’s right.  Corinne is privileged and she has zero self awareness and she’s a brat, but she declares in the very beginning of this episode:  You do you.  Imma do me.  An anthem I can get behind.

There’s definitely a formula for how they pick the contestants for this show, and it’s not just, oh we need a psycho-villain and a bunch of hotties willing to go off the grid and abandon their jobs. No, they need a psycho-villain AND a self-righteous hothead out on a mission to convert.  Enter Taylor stage right.  You are literally my nightmare, Taylor.  Watching Nick watching Taylor linger by the fire as Danielle spills her guts to Nick about being in it to win it was honestly more insufferable than Corinne firing whipped cream into her own mouth.  Taylor, fuck off and calm down.  Oh I’m sorry, you think you bad withzero fucks to give and zero chill left. smh.  This vendetta to rebrand Corinne into a woke, mature adult is a FOOL’S ERRAND, Taylor.  Just do you, boo.  No need to get your “panties in a bundle.”  It’s twist.  Twist.

Ummm big ups to those who stuck around after the credits rolled.  The gift post-credits this week was Alexis sharing that her two biggest fears are:  Nicholas Cage and Aliens.  One in the same, mama, one in the same.

Roller skates and roses,

Ann

PS- DUH.


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