Episode 2: (Deux)/Boobs

Honestly, I love that they buried the lead/the obscene levels of fuckery in the promo clips for this ep.  I mean, if you’re a sucker like me, you probably bought the slap Josephine gave Nick featured in the sneak peek and thought that THAT was going to be the climax of the episode.  Nope.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that there were multiple climaxes in this ep, and yes, I am using the word climax to give everyone starter second hand embarrassment/nervous tingles/anxiety, because that is how I felt for the majority of this episode.  AND I LOVED IT.

Before we get down to the climaxes, here’s just a little INSIDE SCOOP on my *creative process*…I take heavy notes in a word document and then inspiration hits and I craft these posts that give me UTTER joy.  The FIRST NOTE that I have from Monday’s episode is the following: Champagne glasses are HUGE.  Boy oh boy, does that really set the stage for what we were gifted with.  So many thoughts/feelings.  We got to see two (read: polar opposite) group dates, and one 1:1.  Let me break this down….

GROUP DATE #1:  TEAM HAWT

All the hotties were on this date.  It was too obvious.  First few things I loved:

  1. The three blue convertibles they all drove to the date location.  Incorporating some freedom for these ladies.  A taste of ~real life~ just driving along the PCH to go see “our boyfriend.”
  2. The speed in which Team HAWT flew out of those cars and ran down long columned hallways to – Ta Da! – their wedding photo shoot with FRANCO.
  3. FRANCO.

I’m just going to cut right to the chase, Corinne is easily the most SCHNOCKERED contestant I’ve ever seen.  She was just fully hammed for this entire episode.  Those champagne glasses (read: STEINS) take nooo prisoners.  Not even 24 year old young women who run multi-million dollar corporations.  One of my favorite early quotes from her this episode was: “I was first to kiss him, and my name was first on the date card.  I’m just full of number 1’s.  It’s better than being #2 or going #2.” Wait, so does she not like pooping?  You’re literally the only one, Corinne.  The only one.

These photoshoots were incredible.  Obviously our Jersey girl, Alexis, was chosen for the shotgun wedding.  She is a damn riot.  Thank you for being here.  Adam and Eve….wait…?  For real? ABC is getting so frisky! But honestly, I love the Eve girl whatever her name is.  She was just like whatever, let’s go, I’m hot, but I am also not the worst, so you can’t even be that pissed…unless you’re Corinne.

So in situations like this, I just wonder, does Corinne know that she’s on here as a joke?  Her behavior in this episode leads me to believe she’s got a couple of screws up in her head loose…and actually thinks she has a chance and is too narcissistic to realize the producers just need her to get on TV and let loose.  Which she does, wholeheartedly.

The shenanigans with her making Nick hold her bare breasts in the pool were quite memorable. She achieved her goal.  Not only did she make him hold them, but she then recapped the event for the eleven people with functioning eyes who witnessed the event in real time.  (climax #1)

I think that the ultimate kick in the pants was when FRANCO named Corinne the winner of the photo shoot “challenge.”  (climax #2)  Of course the sassy gay picks the brash betch as the winner.  I know the producers choose, you guys, but you know Franco loved that shit.

Her interview moments during this episode were all slurred AF.  She was just toasted.  The entire time.  “Nick held my boobs today.  He.  Held.  My.  Boobs.  No one has ever held my boobs like that, and no one ever will.”  You never know, girl.

In light of there being a mentally disturbed contestant with us this season I truly feel safe with Taylor around.  At first I thought she was shades of Caila (vom), but she is so much COOLER and less plastic…and is a mental health professional.

“I’ve met girls like Corinne before, and they’re not my friends.”  -Taylor.  YAASSS!!

Also guys, Raven is totally growing on me.  She is just so damn sweet and just tells it like it is with that southern drawl.  Give it to me, girl.  I love ya.

Of course Corinne was the first to “steal” Nick away when they’re just chillin’ on a roof having drinks and heavy apps post photo shoot.  I don’t know revs up my full body rage more, Corinne in general or Nick just being a full on penis with no brain when she’s around.  Me like hot girl. Me want to fuck hot girl despite the fact that she is an unhinged, attention seeking, bratty psychopath.  Ugghhh NICK.  Of COURSE you were forced to give her the rose.  Wait….remember how most people you probably love and respect thought/said, “I don’t know what’s worse, Donald Trump, or the women who voted for him?”  Corinne is Donald Trump.  And Nick is the women who voted for him.  SHIT.  And the producers are the electoral college.  OK I’m done.  #yeswecan

Even though Nick voted for Trump, I feel like there are moments when Nick acknowledges that yes, this show is a sick, trifling game, but here we are, and sometimes we have to do shit because this is television after all.  Thank you for providing a rare glimpse into reality, Nick.  I think the most memorable moment from this episode of Nick exhibiting said behavior, is when he encourages Taylor to go after what she wants and not be afraid of being aggressive.  Obvi Corinne interrupted Taylor, but Taylor went right on back like a professional adult and scored more time with Old Saint Nick.  I am getting the feeling he can’t say “no” when the girls come up and interrupt each other, so the only way he can spend more time with someone is if they show up.  Honestly, this is literally teaching me life lessons.  Just go for what you want guys!  RIGHT?!?

I just want to take a moment to thank Hulu for peppering in both teeth whitening commercials AND depression medication commercials while I watched this episode.  GET HAPPY, GET PRETTY, SMILE, DON’T BE SAD.  I’M WORKING ON IT, HULU.  JESUS.

OK time to get serious.  Nick and Danielle M’s 1:1 was awesome.  I hate how he chameleons to whomever he is with, but I know that this is par for the course with this three ring circus.  He was such an adult with Danielle, and it was so fun to watch two, dare I say, emotionally mature (even if just for the date) adults interacting and getting real with each other.  My heart broke for Danielle when she got vulnerable and shared that her fiancé overdosed and passed away.  Do you think that the producers organized this so that she could exploit her heartbreaking story to gain viewership and to make us love Nick for being sensitive and attentive to this neonatal nurse?  FUCK.  I just want to believe in the good!

GROUP DATE #2:  TEAM ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS

I’m sorry, you’re taking these ladies to the Museum of Broken Relationships…? (climax #3) What a slap in the dick.  Oh wait, it’s not just that they have to be in that space with him, but their fun group activity is breaking up with him….??? In front of a live audience….?  Imagine the convo between Team HAWT and Team Island of Misfit Toys..

Team IOMT:  Ohmmgee how was your group date?

Team Hawt:  Omg it was so FUN!  We had our hair and make-up done professionally and then had a sassy European gay took pics of us in wedding attire!  How was YOUR group date?

Team IOMT:  We went to the Museum of Broken Relationships…

Team Hawt:  There’s a museum for that?

I am so bored by Liz, and I am glad they got rid of her early on.  That was going nowhere since the second they fucked at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.  Honestly, my biggest takeaway from Group Date #2 is that Jaimi dated a girl.  Please make my day and mix it up with some lady love.  Come on.  We need this.  I need this like I needed Andrew Garfield kissing Stephen Colbert after Andrew Garfield kissed Ryan Reynolds.  Kisses for EVERRYYYONNEEE.

Also- much love and respect to those who watch Bach eps in their entirety, for it is these lucky viewers who learn things like, hell yes Alexis had her boobs done, and hell yes, this episode marks the one year anniversary, and hell yes, she will share boob cupcakes with Nick to celebrate.

Steins of champers and bare breasts,

Ann


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