Episode 2: I’m Not Gonna Lie…

I fucking hated this episode. The more time I spend wrapped in the iron embrace of this fraught franchise, the more I realize that this game is the most formulaic shitshow of all time. This episode was exactly the same as Rachel Lindsay’s Episode 2.

A similar batch of personality profiles was selected for an obstacle course date (Rachel had the Husband Material Challenge, and Becca’s was the Groomsday Challenge).   There was a 1:1 with someone who will probably end up being a frontrunner (for Rachel it was Peter, and this time around it was Blake).

BLAKE, THE FIRST 1:1 DATE RECIPIENT

Lastly, there’s a sporty competition style date (for Rachel it was basketball, for Becca it was dodgeball) with a washed up celebrity guest (Kareem Abdul Jabbar for Big Rach and Fred Willard for Becca) and an audience of enthusiastic civilians.  Amidst the formula there were some nuances, and I’d like to take a moment to honor the shit that drove me nuts, and the shit I was living for…

Here’s what was the worst:

  1. Chris Harrison visits the boys at the mansion to let them know how fckn serious this journey is.  He tells the contestants that Becca is fun-loving but she’s also serious. If she doesn’t feel a connection, you are OUTTA HERE, so it’s in your best interest to take advantage of the time you have with her. Tired advice from a tired host. Also this oft-repeated wisdom is thinly veiled. When everyone is a pawn in the network’s game, how can Becca really be touted as in charge and in control. She is being forced to do stupid, problematic shit just as the contestants are.

 

  1. When the 8 lucky dudes roll up to the “pamper” group date that turns into a hetero-normative/misogynist tough mudder, Becca participates in a double hand holding session with two different men as she walks them toward their tuxedo fitting. This is not kindergarten, it’s competitive polygamy. I would like to go as far to say that Becca DID NOT WANT to hold hands with two different men, but rather she felt like she had to because they were thirsty for it, and she can’t come across as not interested, so it’s best to just say yes. DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THE PROBLEM HERE?

 

  1. Becca’s “playful, awkward” laugh as she fake covers her eyes while the boys change out of their regular clothes and into their tuxedoes is also the worst. Like how about just excuse yourself and dish in an ITM interview, or actually just fully look at the merchandise, sweetie. Don’t play coy with me, and if you’re uncomfortable, then get the fuck out.

 

  1. In the battle between childish, competitive Lincoln and immature, competitive Connor, CONNOR IS WORSE THAN LINCOLN, and you know I’m right. There’s magic in letting idiots do all the heavy lifting, but Connor cannot help himself. Instead he lets Lincoln’s antics get under his skin, and in turn he reacts with zero dignity and reveals his basest self devoid of awareness and logic. CONGRATS, CONNOR!

 

  1. While talking to Blake during their 1:1, Becca tells him that he makes her feel like Becca, not The Bachelorette.  She’s so thrilled she can just be herself.  Here’s the thing…all of the glitzy outfits, make-up and accessories feels so over the top, and not in line with who Becca really is.  It’s more Bachelorette than Becca.  What’s wrong with a more dewy, natural lewk?  The amount of glitter and sparkle in her make-up and dresses is so far from this Minnesota gal’s aesthetic.  Are the producers afraid that the men won’t notice Becca is beautiful unless she’s full body glistening?  It’s all being laid on so thick, and I wish they’d fucking cool it.  When she was left to her own devices as a contestant on The Bachelor, her formalwear and make-up was not nearly as *GLAM*, and she still looked beautiful.

 

  1. Connor’s penance to come back from acting like a child and throwing Lincoln’s framed photo out the window and into the pool was full body cringeworthy.  Becca uncomfortably laughs because of course, she clearly wanted to get rid of Connor when she heard he was acting like a three year old after The Groomsday Challenge, but she can’t because this isn’t her show.  It’s ABC’s show.

 

  1.  Jordan parading around the mansion in nothing but his undies is harassment.  Becca laughs and then HUGS him when he nearly naked approaches her to monopolize the cocktail hour.  This isn’t funny, it’s abhorrent.

 

Here’s what lit me up with joy:

 

    1. As Jordan takes it upon himself to showcase some struts in his tuxedo, Becca asks with genuine shock and curiosity, “Wait, are you a model?”  She actually had no idea.  YES!

 

  1. During the Groomsday Challenge the boys had to stand in an ice cold bucket of waist deep water for the duration of a small sand timer to run out.  Most of the boys could barely keep it together.  The one exception is Clay, a professional athlete who’s been around the ice block before.  Light elevator jazz underscores a delicate, patient Clay as he politely stands with his hands clasped over his balls and waits out the clock. Angel.

 

  1. David, the boy who arrived on Night 1 in a chicken costume, shares with Becca that he wants to be pushed intellectually. Phew.

 

  1. JEAN-BLANC

    5.  Lil Fucking John.  He was present for Blake’s 1:1 where they were roped into destroying all of the physical objects associated with Becca and Arie.  In all his authenticity, Lil John encouraged Becca to purge herself of all her bad memories with Arie by playing Wreck-It-Ralph.  With sledgehammers in hand, Becca and Blake break car windows, tv monitors, champagne bottles, and various home decor.  All the while Lil John managed to successfully dodge shrapnel and debris while serving a motivational DJ/scream sesh.  He’s a star.

Can’t wait till Tia, Caroline, Bekah M, Kendall and Seinne show up next week, especially since we learned that prior to arriving at the mansion, Colton hooked up with Tia….Obviously…

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