What’s In Store for Becca…

Rather than dissect the 5 hours of Arie’s uncut/unedited Finale and After The Final Rose, I have some thoughts on what we (and Becca) are in store for this upcoming season of The Bachelorette…

As you might/definitely remember, Chris Harrison decided to WOW us all last year when Rachel Lindsay was announced Bachelorette and brought out four of her suitors to meet her on stage on live TV. First time in Bachelor history!

The four men chosen to meet Rachel were:

  1. DeMario Jackson – Overconfident Swagmaster who was promptly dismissed after his “ex” was brought onto the show in Episode 2. In addition to DeMario’s time on Rachel’s season, he also was on Bachelor in Paradise Season 4 for a minute before he was accused of sexual misconduct. This man has had one of the most fraught and publicized journeys in Bachelor history.
  2. Blake Elarbee – The Self-Righteous Anti-Banana Aspiring Drummer/Whaboom Arch-Nemesis who made a fucking scene over Whaboom being there for the wrong reasons and consequently revealed the worst parts of himself and was asked to go home. We never liked you anyways.
  3. Dean Unglert – Quasi-Naive Bachelor Nation Darling, turned Bachelor Nation Fuckboi when he played two women in Bachelor in Paradise, turned Bachelor Nation Old News after participating in Bachelor Winter Games and leaving with a GF. Let’s not forget his uncomfortable one-liner (most certainly encouraged by production) as he stepped on stage to meet Rachel: I’m ready to go black, and I’m never gonna go back.
  4. Eric Bigger – Spirited, Authentic Sweetheart who surprisingly made it to Rachel’s Final 3. Bigger won us over as he shared his story of being raised in a family that didn’t encourage the outward expression of love. Despite his upbringing, he was able to open his heart and fall for Rachel. Eric’s positivity and openness is truly inspirational. He was asked to attend Bachelor Winter Games where he got zero airtime and was sent home Night 1. Total bullshit. Nothing can get this kid down. He is out there grinding building a motivational speaker/exercise/life coach brand and I’m here for it.

As you can see, these four men were not so randomly selected. Each of them had distinct backstories/plotlines, some of which were short lived, but nonetheless memorable. I am going to go ahead and say that the four men Becca met the other night are also going to play very specific roles in her season, and within Bachelor Nation at large. Here are my predictions:

Lincoln

LINCOLN

Lincoln. Lincoln. Lincoln. He’s Black. He’s British. He’s wearing a bow tie. He’s hot as hell. He’s both confident and endearing. He calls Becca glowing and magnificent. I KNOW. He maintains steady eye contact with Becca and only occasionally glances over to the audience for this strange performative, “private” introduction to his new girlfriend. His eyes remain locked with hers as he tells Becca that he can’t wait to get to know her, and share secrets and ideas. This was totally uncreepy, and adorably sincere. After a heartfelt embrace, Lincoln salutes the crowd and makes his exit.

You want this guy to be the next Bachelor, but Lincoln was just confident and composed enough that I don’t think it’s going to happen. Most Bachelors begin their franchise journey slightly shy, not super exuberant, and then grow in their confidence and have this high school glow up thing where they’re like, oh shit, I am attractive/desired/a catch (whether this is true or not). Lincoln is too mature and self aware for this bush league transformation. I predict that Lincoln will make it to the final three. He’s going to be loved by his fellow men, he’s going to be a good sport on group dates, and he’s going to take care of Becca and really invest in their relationship by being communicative and authentic.

Chase Wave

CHASE

Chase looks like a low budget Clark Kent who couldn’t manage to get a hair cut in time for his national debut. That shit was slick up front and straggly in the back. Chase’s entrance exuded this “I’m the fucking mayor of this city” vibe. He politician man waved at the audience and flashed a toothy grin before greeting Becca. What irked me the most is that Chase did not let go of Becca’s hands the entire time. This probably gave him a sense of security, but he took it too far when he gesticulated/danced with his arms without ever letting go of her hands. He also made way too much eye contact with the audience. I’m not asking you to not engage with viewers, but we are more concerned with how you are treating your new girlfriend, so please just do your job. Chase recites the old adage: When one door closes, another door opens. He wants to be Becca’s open door, but my guess is that Chase is going to walking out of the Bachelor Mansion door soon after his arrival.

Chase probably has some strange fact or talent up his sleeve that he is pressured to demonstrate to his fellow men on Night 1.  I suspect he is going to be the house tattle tale.  I’m cringing already.

Banjo Man 3

RYAN BOJANGLES

Then there’s Ryan the banjo man. He comes out singing an original song.  I am so sucked in by this charming entrance that I almost convinced myself he was just improvising on the spot.  WAKE UP.  HE’S BEEN PRACTICING THIS FOR MONTHS.  His song was cute and such a necessary departure from the Southern country boy strumming and twanging on the guitar. Ryan brings a more Mumford and Suns vibe to the franchise, and I’m ever so grateful. He was vulnerable yet not embarrassed, and he says just enough after his cute song: I’ve heard a lot of wonderful things about you, and I am excited to get to know you.

Ryan is this season’s token liberal, which is made clear by his musical performance, his groovy, velvet, floral printed blazer and the sixties inspired psychedelic sun pattern on his banjo strap. It’s safe to say Ryan didn’t vote for Trump, and he has accepted the fact that men, like women, are also human beings who have emotions. This makes Ryan the wokest bro in the whole house.

Ryan will make it to right before hometowns. I anticipate him to be the goofy relief when shit gets dumb amongst the guys. He will be loved by all, and I think there’s a strong possibility we will see him in Paradise this summer. He’s gonna be shades of Wells Adams with a lil more swag. Delish!

Darius 2

DARIUS

Darius did himself zero favors the second he stepped on stage. He took his time approaching Becca and kept pausing being like oh damn, look at her. Becca had to literally summon him to get him to move faster. I’m annoyed. THEN Darius did the most and apologized on behalf of his gender/Arie for mixing up actions and feelings. THEN he tells Becca that the audience is great, making friends is great, but he truly is here for her.  During this short introduction he has somehow managed to inadvertently align himself with Arie’s behavior and draw attention to the fact that he is here for the splendor of the show.  Darius then does this weird thing and stands back and admires Becca and says, “That’s me, that’s gonna be me”, not so subtly suggesting that he’s already got her, when he absolutely does not. Becca reminds him not to get ahead of himself.

Darius is going to be sent home Night 2. He is going to go in there too cocky, a la DeMario, and get his ass sent home. He will have support from some of the guys in the house who assure Bachelor Nation that he’s not that much of a dick, but his viewer fanbase will be nonexistent.

Blake 2

BLAKE

Lastly we have Blake. Blake enters the studio with a horse named Bradley. He does not address the horse until the very end of his introduction. He was probably nervous. I wish that there was a better flow to his intro, but I think that Blake seems pretty sweet. The theatrical entrance with such a large prop really detracted from us being able to focus on seeing Blake for what he’s all about.  After big smiles and commending Becca for her bravery to dive into this journey, he addresses the horse’s purpose. His adage of choice is: When you fall off the horse, you have to get back up again. He hopes to be the guy to get her back on the horse. Quite literally.

Becca is then escorted over to a step stool beside the horse and all of Bachelor Nation said a prayer that her side saddle hoist up onto the horse was not going to result in a wardrobe malfunction, serious injury, and/or irreparable embarrassment. None of these things happened, Thank Christ.

Blake will be tossed aside in the middle of the season, and will never get a 1:1 date.  I suspect that Blake has some sort of life baggage situation. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he were a dad. He knows what it’s like to get back in the saddle again after a massive break-up, ergo he employs equine tactics for his big reveal. He’s a nice guy, he’s just not *the one*.

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