Episode 7: It’s Not Personal, It’s Business

SeinneBuon Giorno, Bachelor Nation! We have arrived in bella Toscana.  After the remaining victims pose for an iconic tourist photo attempting to prop up the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Chris Harrison shows his face and announces that there will be no rose ceremony this week. Just dates. Two 1:1’s and one group date. There are seven ladies left. Three are getting the boot. Andiamo!

1:1

Date Card: Let’s fall in love under the Tuscan sun.

Featuring: Becca K

Clearly Arie, or someone more powerful, has put Becca K up at bat first so Arie can determine if the spark from their Pretty Woman date during Week 2 is still aflame five weeks later. These two speed off to quaint, cobblestoned Barga in a little red convertible. Unlike the car Arie used to collect Jacqueline in Paris, this Italian hot rod does not break down. If that’s not some foreshadowing, I don’t know what is…

Arie and Becca bumble through the streets of Barga and attempt elementary Italian to score some local cured meats, cheeses, bread and wine for a casual picnic. Ultimately, Arie reveals he is hopeful about his and Becca’s future, and Becca assures Arie that she envisions her future with him in it. With that the deal is sealed: Arie is headed to Minneapolis, Minnesota to meet Becca’s family. He strokes her neck and clavicle as she leans back against a historical landmark, clutching her high heels behind his head. They kiss while drenched in golden hour sunlight with the rolling Tuscan hills as their idyllic background. END SCENE.

Meanwhile back at base camp, Jacqueline is starting to question if this whole accelerated process is for her.  She unravels in front of the producers and word vomits varying thoughts and concerns such as: I do have feelings for him, I don’t know if I am ready to have him meet my family, am I just self-sabotaging, where am I and what is happening, etc.  Shaking like a leaf Jacqueline approaches Arie in his hotel room. Upon entering Arie’s sacred space she helps herself to his glass of red and admits that she surprised herself during this process. She didn’t expect to catch feelings, but she most certainly did. HOWEVER, she is freaking the fuck out at the idea of bringing Arie home, and worse: ending up married to him in Scottsdale. Arie is bummed, and as they hug goodbye he whispers in her ear:

“If you have any regret, you come back to me.”

-Arie

EXCUSE ME?! What does this even mean?! It’s like he knows that this farce is destined to fail, and that rather than finding *the one*, this show is really a chance to build a book of business and screen candidates for dating when he re-enters planet reality.

Jacqueline bids farewell to her remaining teammates, and Kendall wraps her arms around her dear friend and sobs the hardest we’ve seen all season. Friendship. Will. Always. Reign. And I seriously hope that Jacqueline pulls out her psychology PhD knowledge and drops some heavy duty psychoanalysis at The Women Tell All in a few weeks. See ya, girl.

1:1

Date Card: Let’s break down our walls.

Featuring: Lauren

The more I see these two pieces of white toast together, the more certain I become in their inevitable 18 month shelf live happily ever after.   Lauren is slightly more spirited during her local Lucca bike date than she was in Paris, but don’t get it twisted, she’s still emotionally flat lining. Over some gelato we learn that Arie would be the first man to cross Lauren’s parent’s threshold since her ex-fiancé. Also, her traumatic break-up was less than a year ago. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, amirite?

Over dinner she shares that it’s tough putting herself in such a vulnerable situation so soon after an emotionally toxic relationship with her ex. She never thought she’d meet someone like Arie, but here she is falling for him. The moment these words leave her lips, Arie excuses himself to wander around a nearby garden and find pause. When he returns to the “dinner” table, Lauren calls him out for being “off.” Arie apologizes for the confusion. He’s not off. He’s overwhelmed with feelings that he hasn’t felt in a while, and he wants shit to thrive between the two of them. Arie is headed home to meet Lauren’s parents. Whatever. 

1:1

Date Card: I’m searching for the one.

Featuring: Seinne

Seinne and Arie have the pleasure of partaking in a campy truffle hunt with Julio and his truffle sniffing dogs in the Tuscan countryside. The Italian cliché does not end there! Next they’re off to make an “authentic” meal with Julio and his relatives. Seinne and Arie whip up pasta and pizza, two things Italians wouldn’t dare eat at the same time, alongside a colorful and inquisitive family. After the antics, Seinne and Arie sit down for a debrief. Seinne tells Arie she appreciated the loving energy during the family gathering. It was quite the opposite of the dynamic she was raised in, one in which expressions of love were synonymous with weakness. Arie then does the inevitable. He tells Seinne he’s just not feeling it. No surprise here since these two have had zero chemistry the entire journey. Seinne deserves so much more than Arie and this show, so it’s for the best. Ciao, bellissima!

Group Date

Date Card: Meet me at Villa Reale.

Featuring: Kendall, Bekah M, Tia

One of these queens is going home, but not before a complete thirst fest that is three women gunning for two roses. Arie leads the women around Villa Reale’s manicured grounds dotted with lemon trees. Kendall is becoming more confident by the second, and she’s showing America and Arie that she’s more than just a taxidermy appreciator. She’s simultaneously emotionally intelligent, carefree, and completely unbitchy. During her solo time with Arie she openly admits that she’s nervous she’s not quite at hometown level yet, but if she does pass the hometown test she’s totally down to move to Scottsdale. Arie’s eyes widen.

Meanwhile Tia and Bekah are having a stressful girl talk in which Tia expresses concern that Bekah is not ready for a serious commitment at the infant age of 22. Bekah is all set with her compatriots in love referring to themselves as her big sisters. As someone who cannot stand ageism in any form, I am enraged for Bekah, but she has no business marrying Arie. She’s 22. He’s 36. Come the fuck on.

Kendall returns, and it’s Tia’s turn. Tia gets “protective” of Arie’s heart and uses her time to let him know that Bekah M is probs not ready for marriage. She still has time to plug how ready she is for commitment and that she has zero doubts about her true and deep feelings for Arie.

Now listen. No one, and I repeat NO ONE, stress cries harder, better, faster or stronger than me, so it was especially real to see Bekah M break the fuck down when she finally has a moment with Arie.  Zaddy/Daddy comforts Bekah M while she lets her frustrations flow: she’s misunderstood, she’s hurt, she’s pissed, and the whole age thing is getting old. After she calms down, Arie gets down to business and asks how Bekah’s feeling about the possibility of him meeting her fam.  Pointless, since she’s doomed.

It’s time to start dishing out the roses, but two ladies are not going to get off so easily. Arie gives the first rose to Kendall and in turn forces Bekah M and Tia into a 2:1 for the remainder of the date. The sun sets, and Tia and Bekah M head to the gallows. Arie and Tia have a moment and Tia reiterates how in it to win it she is. Her heart is his. Bekah M implores Arie to have a little faith in her, but it’s too late. Arie gives the rose to Tia who exhales a huge sigh of relief leaving Bekah M destroyed. Arie watches Bekah M’s limo pull away and a single tear falls down his cheek.  The end of an era.

With that we have the pleasure of leaving Italy and traveling to the homes of Becca K in Minneapolis, MN; Lauren in Virginia Beach, VA; Kendall in Santa Clarita, CA; and Tia in Weiner, AR.

Nothing is more important than family 🙂

-Ann

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *