10 Things I Loved/Hated About Episode 5

Krystal

  1. When we see the squad in Fort Lauderdale for the first time they are biking as a unit along a boardwalk, and I’m sorry, but if you were not immediately transported to WWII-era Austria with the von Trapp children wearing clothes made out of curtains singing Do, Re, Mi with Fraulein Maria then you need to GTFO.

 

  1. Post nautical date Chelsea and Arie sit down to “dinner” at some fucking old car museum, and I want to take a moment and honor whoever poured their red wine. That shit was filled up to the actual brim. Moments after seeing their cups nearly runneth over, we see a shot of Arie asking Chelsea a question and the wine is half gone. EDITING. IS. EVERYWHERE.

 

  1. Right after the Big Lebowski Bowling Date Card is read aloud, Lauren B literally examines the card to confirm that she has to suffer through yet another week without a 1:1. This level of disbelief is exactly how I felt when Caroline was sent home. I get it.

 

  1. I felt personally attacked by Krystal as she snipped at a producer and demanded that they help remove her mic so she could shower after Arie “lied” to her and decided to allow both the “winners” AND the “losers” to attend the bowling after party.

 

  1. When Arie goes to fulfill Krystal’s dream and “find her” after she decides to forgo the bowling after party, Krystal tells Arie that she needs more from him. He tries to assuage her jealousy and rage by saying that she knows him better than anyone. HONEY. Just because someone met your parents and saw your house does not mean that they KNOW you. To truly know someone takes a hell of a lot longer than some dumb “date” in Scottsdale, AZ.

 

  1. Nothing but love and respect to Becca K who admits to her sister-wives that she still smells like a bowling ball and did not have time to shave before the bowling after party due to all the Krystal drama. Thank you for your honesty.

 

  1. “May Krystal find the peace she thinks she has.” –Bekah M

That’s all.

 

  1. Tia’s Everglades date is kind of my favorite thing, I think. I felt so calm watching the boat speed out into the expansive wetlands, yet simultaneously I was experiencing low-key full body fear that a present day dinosaur, otherwise known as an alligator, was going to snatch a bitch.

 

  1. Tia and Arie are seated in some sort of swampy antique shop after chilling at nearly toothless Gerald’s stilt structure all day, and they have the chance to make-out under a neon “Live Bait” sign, and honestly this is both a sign and a *sign*. I hope that Arie The Worm will not fuck up my homegirl, Tia, and get her hooked on some bullshit that ends in her getting fried up and served alongside some frog legs.

 

  1. At first I was annoyed that Kendall pulled out her personal question book for Arie because Lauren B had already played a tedious game of 21 questions with Prince Charming earlier; HOWEVER, Kendall’s question about whether or not Arie would eat human flesh was definitely more stimulating than how do you like your eggs, so turns out, Kendall, I like your question book, and I’d like to see more.

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