Episode 4: It’s Miserable and Magical

Bekah MIt’s finally time to leave solitary confinement. Away from Bachelor Mansion and off to South Lake Tahoe they go! We had two 1:1’s and a group date this week. All 15 ladies were involved. Let’s dive in.


Date Card: Let’s let our love soar.

Featuring: Seinne

Arie and Seinne hold hands as they parasail over beautiful, blue Lake Tahoe and take in the stunning natural landscape around them. After airtime it’s beach time. Surprisingly their conversation starts off less cue card-y and more like two strangers firing off typical 1st date questions to get to know each other over champagne. It then quickly turns into a barely distinguishable iteration of the same “I’m so happy to be here” conversation he’s had with all his other 1:1 date recipients.

Between the AM and PM portion of Seinne’s date, we see a shot of Maquel on the balcony of the lady lodge. The camera is positioned away from the house and captures Maquel’s profile as she talks to her mother on the phone. At first Maquel sounds excited to hear her mom’s voice, and then we hear Maquel’s mother share the news that Maquel’s grandfather passed away unexpectedly. This poor girl’s honest, real time reaction to heartbreaking news is captured on film and was used as content for last night’s episode. She asks through tears if her grandfather was alone when it happened, and that’s when I was moved to actual, authentic sadness and disgust. This is some grade-A bullshit on the franchise’s part. Of course Maquel’s mom had to get in touch with the producers first because the contestants cannot have their cell phones during filming. My question is how the fuck was Maquel told that she could use a phone to call her mother? Was it deceptive? If I was told I could call my mother on this show I would be terrified that it was because something horrible had happened. WHY ELSE WOULD I BE ABLE TO SPEAK WITH HER? What a mess. Maquel packs her bags and leaves Tahoe to go be with her family.

Then the actual worse thing of all time happens. Arie takes Seinne to THE FUCKING HARD ROCK CAFÉ, America’s largest trash receptacle. The lodge riddled with taxidermy bison where the girls are staying is leagues above this classless dump. JUSTICE FOR SEINNE.

Seinne shares with Arie that growing up she was not exposed to a fairytale love story with characters that look like her, i.e. our society does not provide grand love stories featuring people of color. True. Seinne also saw her parents navigate bumps in the road, so she knows it’s not all rainbows and smooches. Her experiences have sometimes encouraged her to remain more guarded with her heart. She so clearly explains where she’s at and how she feels without shame or nerves, and Arie’s just like yeah I really like being with you. Hopefully he offered more and is capable of actually listening and contributing to the conversation, but thanks to heavy duty editing we will never know. This terrible date ends with Seinne and Arie slow dancing in front of some probably racist D-list country singer and his loyal “all lives matter” fans. Someone call 911.

Group Date

Date Card: Will our love survive?

Featuring: Chelsea, Krystal, Becca K, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren B, Brittany, Caroline

The squad rolls up walking arm in arm to meet Arie in the woods. Everyone is fully decked out in plaid scarves, leggings, and knit hats with huge pom-poms. They are ready for whatever the Nevada/California wild throws at them. After a two second stroll we see a couple of adults in the woods. Turns out it’s a retired Green Beret soldier and his loyal wife there to show the ladies how to survive nature and relationships. ABC thought it would be fun to pull some stunt where the ladies had to allegedly pee in a goddamn klean kanteen BECAUSE if you find yourself alone in the woods in between Instagram promotions after the show is over, you might not have access to Evian. Arie “drinks his own pee” in front of the girls, and right before Jacqueline proves she’s the hardest bitch of all and chugs her own urine, Arie reveals that what he actually swallowed was just fucking apple juice. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY DOOOO WEEEEE CONNTTINNUUEE TOOO WAATCCHH THIISSS SHOOOWWWW.

Krystal tells the producers how appalling the levels of desperation are as all these women compete for Arie’s attention with childish behavior. You know she’s just internally pitching a shit fit that she was forced to be on another group date where she’s not the the star.   She clearly hasn’t figured out how to master the group date: be gregarious as fuck and care about nothing. Instead she just slowly blinks over her dead eyes and forces a fake smile the entire time.

Krystal continues her antics after the “survival” portion of the group date is over. During her precious solo time with Arie she tells him that she feels ostracized and that the other ladies are threatened by her. Arie buts a bellows to the fire of her ego and validates her bullshit: OF COURSE THEY ARE! You’re so beautiful! We had a 1:1 date early on! Krystal is puppy eye staring at him with a little pout like yeah, Daddy, you’re right.

Krystal does the most and pulls Tia and Caroline aside to address a nothing that she amplified into a something. Tia straight up tells Krystal that she is completely unaware of how she makes others feel, and that she consistently brings up her connection with Arie and their date as a tactic to assert herself and mind fuck everyone else, and no one wants to hear it. Thank you, Miss Tia.

Tia finally gets her alone time with Arie and she reveals that honestly it’s tough to know that she feels so good with him but he is out there having connections with other people. Thank G it was this vulnerability that scored Tia the group date rose.

It was then that I realized that it’s shit like this show that promotes female competition (the last thing women need), and validates the female fear that being chosen by a man is how women become worthy. Fuck. Still. Processing. All. Of. This. 


Date Card: I’m looking for a stable relationship.

Featuring: Bekah M

The entire episode was basically the foreplay to Bekah’s age reveal. Arie describes Bekah as deep, wise and mature. He also recognizes their undeniable physical chemistry, but ultimately he wants to know if she’s ready for marriage. After a horseback ride through the wilderness, A & B come to a wood paneled jacuzzi overlooking Lake Tahoe where they can jump in, suck face, make memories, and learn the history of Arie’s car crash body scars otherwise hidden by clothing.

The PM portion over untouched dinner is particularly brutal. Arie gets down to business and asks Bekah if she is ready for marriage. He shares that over the course of the last few years he has recognized changes in himself, his lifestyle and his wants and needs as he ages.   He wants to make sure that he and Bekah are roughly in the same spot on this journey through life. Bekah is scared that once she tells him how old she is, he will only be able to see her through the lens of her age; nonetheless, she can’t withhold the truth. She tells him she is 22 years old, and his jaw drops. He then continues to explain to Bekah that she couldn’t possibly be ready for what he’s ready for because she is so much younger than he is. I have two very separate reactions towards this whole racket:

  1. She is young, and of course they shouldn’t be together. At 22 your brain is still developing.
  2. Don’t you fucking dare tell someone, especially a man tell a woman, what she is or is not ready for, and don’t undermine, underestimate, or patronize me because of my age. Ever.

That being said, I am not rooting for these two to end up together.

Even though he is terrified of becoming emotionally invested and then having his heart broken, he decides to keep Bekah M around because the connection is just so damn good, and this could be the beginning of something amazing, which oddly enough is exactly what he told Seinne…

Rose Ceremony

Arie “decides” to forgo the cocktail hour and jump right to the rose ceremony. The ladies are shook as they stand in formation ready to hear their names called out. A millisecond before Arie says the first woman’s name, Krystal pipes up and asks Arie for a moment of his time. Everyone actually sits down on the ground because we all know this could be a minute…

Of course it’s just a completely theatrical and unnecessary move to plug herself and assure Arie that she is here for him. For drama’s sake, Krystal was the last rose recipient, and Brittany and Caroline were left in the dust. I thought Caroline was going to go all the way, so I was in full body shock. I honestly have no idea where this is headed.

We are down to 13, maybe 14 ladies if Maquel ends up returning.

I don’t know about you, but I’m feelin’ 22,


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