Episode 3: The Dog and Phony Show

Bibiana IllustrationI was full body cringing for the majority of this episode.  We have a four-part train wreck to unpack.  Buckle up.

Group Date

Date Card: It’s all about the ring.

Featuring: Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah M, Bibiana, Krystal

These poor ladies show up to The Oceanview Pavilion in Los Angeles for the actual worst group date of all time. Yes, even worse than the Museum of Broken Relationships. The chosen ones are tasked with participating in the Bachelor spinoff of GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling, the famous 80’s women’s wrestling show that has recently been fictionalized for the Netflix original series of the same name). Of course *this* version is called GLOB for Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor Wrestling. Really, this circus should be called GLOBW, but let’s not get bogged down in massive oversights.

All you need to know is that Krystal was still husky baby talking and tossing her hair back as she ran across the ring and practiced bouncing off the ropes with Arie by her side. You should also know that two original GLOW wrestlers made an appearance to show the amateurs how it’s done, and honestly this whole experience is very polarizing. You either love fake fighting, violence, and shit talking or it’s your actual hell on earth. I’m most certainly in Camp Fuck This Noise alongside Bibiana and Tia.  The GLOW wrestlers employ their unsolicited emotional and physical cage rattling tactics by insulting Bibiana’s name and her mother. This cruelty is followed by actually fucking pulling on Tia’s beautiful luscious ponytail as a way to “motivate” her to engage in this twisted theatrical game. Queen Raven Nicole Gates said it best:

Honestly, not one single thing could make me endure this event even in the slightest. Not. One. Single. Thing. Tia was professional as hell as she excused herself from the ring to take a second AFTER SOMEONE PULLED HER HAIR. If this whole dramatized physical violence and confrontation gets you going, you can go with God, honey. I will be here hanging with my sisters, Tia and Bibz, as we try to emotionally digest the bullshit and support each other. Ultimately Tia and Bibiana do get back into the ring and play along, but we do not see them interact with the GLOW ladies again.

This triggering warm-up is followed by a guest appearance of the wrestler and hero from Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette, Mr. Kenny King. Kenny “fights” Arie, and Arie wins, so you know the whole thing is just a tragic, rigged farce. Kenny deserves better. Way better. Then the ladies have their go at GLOBBING, and it’s all just strange wrestling choreography in full costume in front of a three row audience made up of middle aged white moms. What a racket.

During the GLOB after party, Arie tells Krystal in private that she was particularly sexy today. Krystal tried to whisper some tactical questions without it being broadcast to the audience, but sis you know ABC hooked it up with the subtitles. Krystal wants to know if she has to be more aggressive or take a back seat on these group dates, and Arie tells her to just be herself, which Krystal translates as be aggressive and take any and all opportunity to assert her self-proclaimed leveling up to her fellow contestants. I am full on guzzling haterade at this point.

Lil Bekah M snags the group date rose.

1:1

Date Card: You had me at merlot.

Featuring: Lauren S.

Obviously, Arie and Lauren S are jetted off to Napa for a casual winery tour. Lauren S is 31, the same decade as our bachelor, and she’s blonde, just like his momma, so things seemed hopeful…

These two stroll through a vineyard whilst sipping on juicy red wine and talking about LIFE! Then dinner rolls around and Lauren S gets a god awful edit. It’s all just spliced clips of her rambling and going off on tangents while Arie begrudgingly listens and out of desperation *gasp* actually eats a bite of the steak sitting on the table of forbidden dinner. I thought these trash edits were a red herring, but I was wrong. I should have paid attention to my gut when I suspected some foreshadowing as Lauren S struggled to carry her packed suitcase down the stairs from her bedroom before leaving the mansion for her date. Arie just wasn’t feeling it. Debussy underscores Lauren S’s exit, and only one of the four original Lauren’s remain…

When The Bachelor Secret Service come to claim Lauren S’s luggage conveniently placed within eyesight of the ladies lounging in the living area, everyone’s jaws drop, except for Krystal who fake gasps and lifts her hands to cover her unrelenting victorious grin.

Poor Caroline immediately gets emotional upon learning her friend is gone. There’s a private wake in the mansion to mourn the loss of Lauren S, and Krystal finds it appropriate to hold court and give her two cents on the one time she and Lauren S actually had a conversation. Caroline, Lauren S’s actual friend, is all fucking set with Krystal so she quietly excuses herself from the service. Becca K comforts Caroline and it’s obvious that Krystal is making zero friends on this journey to find love.

Group Date

Date Card: Love is ruff.

Featuring: Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese

This date didn’t foster any juicy drama and clearly wasn’t as much of a success as the network had hoped it would be.  The whole thing was basically a pathetic Best in Show. Yes, dogs are the greatest, but these girls got all dolled up and on stage with their assigned canines in front of an audience of small children and none of the dogs were obedient. The cocktail party following the doggy date was also anti-climatic. Arie admits to Chelsea that after he was heartbroken by Emily Maynard 5 years ago, he found himself seeking relationships with people he knew weren’t ready for a serious commitment. Sparks are still flying between Arie and Becca K of the Pretty Woman date last week, and it’s all super fucking clear that there is absolutely zero chemistry between Arie and Annaliese, who by the way also had a traumatic experience with a dog during her childhood and therefore was assigned the Pooper Scooper role during the dog show…Trauma, drama, trauma.

Chelsea the Mainer mom gets the group date rose.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Seinne gets pulled aside by Arie first which I LOVE. I am just dying to learn more about this queen. She’s beauty and she’s grace, she’s Miss United States, and she’s way better than this fucking show. My girl, Bibiana, is eager to get some quality alone time with Arie, so she sets up a cabana bed outside the mansion with a telescope for her and Arie to stargaze. Too fucking bad Lauren B and Arie stumble upon this set up before Bibiana can lead Prince Charming there herself, and now Bibiana’s special gesture is ruined.  Bibiana got scammed by the producers, and I hate it.

Young Bekah M, whose age we still have yet to officially learn, has some flirty time with Arie where she confidently explains that he is drawn to her because he knows she doesn’t need him.  She applies this same logic to Arie’s fascination with mothers.  Arie’s mind is blown.  Bekah.  So young, but so wise.

Arie and Tia share some moonshine on haybales and honestly it’s stereotypical props like this that probably piss Southerners off, but damn, I just feel really happy to have Tia in the mix. She serves up the realness and potty mouth that I so deeply cherish and admire.

Annaliese leads Arie up to the balcony of the mansion to see if she can negotiate a kiss since she hasn’t had her mouth to mouth moment yet. Arie uncomfortably clarifies if she’s straight up asking for a kiss, and then politely states that he doesn’t feel like they’re at that stage yet. Honey, pack your bags. Their awkward interaction is saved by Lauren B’s interruption, and it’s then that Annaliese starts to emotionally unravel. She tells us that this whole process has turned her into an anxious mess.  You know what happens next. She finds Arie and asks if he sees any sort of potential between the two of them, he says no, and bye bye Annaliese.

Finally it’s time for the roses to be dished out.  Witchcraft was in full effect during that ceremony, man.  You try and tell me that the future ain’t female when every woman in a white dress was given a rose.  If that’s not some jedi bride trick, I don’t know what is.

My homegirl, Bibiana, found herself rose-less at the end of this tragic evening. Tough to see her go, but we are SUPER lucky to have her join the vets for The Bachelor Winter Games which premieres Tuesday, February 13th.

We are down to 15 women.  Quick, ladies, leave now and form a coven.

 

 

 

 

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