Episode 8: It’s Too Late To Apologize


Knowing that the Ferguson twins were going to be involved in this episode, I was hesitant to even watch. Although I was relieved when I learned Tuesday’s shitshow was only 45 minutes instead of the typical bloated 90, I ultimately feel disappointed that I will never get back those 45 minutes of my life.  Here’s 45 alternative activities that would have been a better use of my time:

  1. Get a Brazilian wax.
  2. Learn what bitcoin is.
  3. Pretend to care about football.
  4. Marvel at how Wells has transformed from the later bloomer on Jojo’s season to the hot, knowledge dropping bartender in Paradise.
  5. Clean my shower. Like with cleaning supplies and everything.
  6. Create and then delete an online dating profile.
  7. Look at engagement rings online.  I’m single.
  8. Read up on Harvey and Irma.
  9. Reorganize my knitting basket.
  10. Host a séance with Taylor and the Louisiana bayou voodoo priestesses.
  11. Get a colonoscopy.
  12. Practice multiplication tables.
  13. Register for ancestry.com
  14. Research the Easter eggs in Tay-Tay’s new turd of vid.
  15. Memorize the track listing of Now 17.
  16. Convince myself that I have ADD.
  17. Spend $112.68 on an ergonomic chair and an essential oil diffuser on Amazon.
  18. Wait on hold for a Comcast customer service representative.
  19. Create a Pintrest board of snacks I’ll never make.
  20. Get my license renewed.
  21. Stand in line for gourmet edible cookie dough amongst squads of 19 year old college sophomores who prematurely busted out their flannel button downs.
  22. Take up scrapbooking.
  23. Run a 5k. Barely.
  24. Drink 45 Bud Lights.
  25. Listen to Blink 182’s Enema of the State in it’s entirety PLUS Chapter’s 1-5 of R Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet.
  26. Play solitaire. With actual cards.
  27. Complete the census survey.
  28. Go to jury duty. Get dismissed.
  29. Learn how to do this.
  30. Cover up the greys I’ve earned from this season of Bachelor in Paradise.
  31. Attempt, knock over, restart, iron, and ultimately snap in half a perler bead key chain of Dean’s face.
  32. Learn the lyrics of Despacito.
  33. Watch an episode of Nick Viall’s season of Dancing with the Stars.
  34. Attempt to get my hands on the original Raquel Cheese Pasta recipe.
  35. Memorize the first 45 digits of pi.
  36. Read the first chapter of a Danielle Steele novel, shame myself for my reading choice, and then ultimately masturbate because it was low-key hot.
  37. Research if Verizon really is the nation’s most reliable network.
  38. Try to understand how weed works. After smoking a j.
  39. Contest my parking tickets.
  40. Go hat shopping.
  41. Take seven BuzzFeed quizzes to reconfirm shit about myself I already know to be true. I am a Gryffindor. I am rigatoni. I am the Pacific Northwest. I am Erin Brokovitch. I am Chunky Monkey. I am Monica Gellar. I am Pocahontas.
  42. Ding, dong, ditch the entire block.
  43. Buy something without trying it on.  Go home, realize it doesn’t fit, go back to the store, return it.
  44. Unsubscribe to all that shit in my inbox.
  45. Rewatch Bryan Absolo’s mother explain to Rachel just how Oedipal her mother-son relationship really is.


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