Since it was the 5th episode of Bachelor In Paradise last night, here’s five TOP 5 lists for ya…
MY TOP 5 HUMBLE OPINIONS
- Matt saying yes to Christen’s shitty date was just an excuse for him to get off the resort. It’s like when Morello gets to drive the van at Litchfield, it’s a sense of false freedom in a lockdown situation.
- Dean is not the man boy I thought he was.
- Dominique is actually the Queen of Paradise, not Jasmine. #work
- They front loaded the cast and put the major players on in the beginning. We are now left with the dregs, and I am disappointed. The promise of Daniel and The Tickle Monster is underwhelming and infuriating.
- We all have a lot to learn from the whole no-technology model of the Bachelor Franchise. Look how precious it was to see the squad huddled together sans screens playing a friendly game of Scattegories. This is where the magic lives, in valuable time spent together with the people you love/hate/are dating/are “dating”/are pining for.
TOP 5 QUOTES
“What dat mouf do doe?”
– Raven describing a game in which Alexis puts various foods/crustaceans into a blindfolded Jack Stone’s mouth
“You don’t know whether she is going to give you a present or murder you in your sleep.”
– Wells describing Jasmine’s spirited reactions to life and her overall personality
“She’s not worth choking.”
– Jasmine Goode about Christen the Virgin
“I was never expecting you to be as interesting as you are.”
– Dean to DLo’s face about DLo
“Being a virgin has been a really smart move for me.”
– Christen about Christen
TOP 5 CRINGE WORTHY MOMENTS
- Jasmine mounting an uncomfortable and uninterested Matt while she looks over her shoulder to confirm that people are in fact getting a full glimpse of her antics.
- Robby finally kissing Amanda while intermittently whispering about the merits of patience.
- Christen trying on bikinis in a local village, modeling them for Matt, and whipping the salesperson in the face with the sash of a potential new suit.
- Jasmine attacking Matt with kisses the second his toes hit the resort sand after he returns from his date with Christen.
- Christen recapping her shopping date with Matt to Robby and referring to it as “so tribal!”
TOP 5 REALEST MOMENTS
- Alexis telling the inception story of Christen’s “scallop fingers” nickname: One night out with the squad Christen opened a to-go box of scallops in the car on the way to the club. She confidently ate them with her bare hands, and then touched Alexis’ shoulder with those same hands. Horrific.
- Taylor acknowledging how Paradise is vastly unlike reality in that she and Derek are together *literally* nonstop. Can I get an amen for personal time and space!
- Taylor being pissed at Derek for offhandedly saying “fuck you.” Them’s fighting words, even when you’re “joking.”
- Derek owning how he hurt Taylor, lovingly apologizing, and declaring that he wants to be on Taylor’s team. #growth
- Kristina confirming that yes, Dean, I do in fact hate that you are struggling with the possibility that someone as “nice” as DLo might have to go home.
TOP 5 MOST CURIOUS MOMENTS
- Christen even being on this show.
- Robby gifting Amanda hotel slippers.
- Dean describing his flirting with DLo as “not flirting.”
- Wells’ puppets.