Episode 4: Go Ahead, Go Nuts, Go Apeshit


Episode 4 opens on Amanda Stanton enjoying avocado toast for breaky, and Kristina opening up to Matty Nice about her drama with Deanie. Matt warns Kristina that Dean knows he’s got her heart in his hands. That’s some real shit. Listen up, XXX-tina.

Our first arrival of the day is bubbly Sarah Vendal from Nick Viall’s season, and she’s got a date card.  Before strolling down the stairs she tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t have any expectations. She’s just here to see what Paradise will bring. Sarah runs into Alexis’ arms, and overall the ladies seem happy to have her in the mix. The guys are like yo she cute. It’s true. We learn from our bestie, Raven, that during the shutdown when Raven was hanging out with Adam in Dallas, Sarah was also in the mix. Raven had the pleasure of waking up one morning and catching a glimpse of Sarah and Adam cuddling. What could this possibly mean?!

When Sarah chats with the gals talk to see where everyone’s at, Raven gives Sarah her blessing to ask Adam on a date if she so pleases. The girl squad is hard selling Ben Z. as the ideal date option. Sarah asks, if he’s so great, why aren’t you all dating him? Fair. She pulls Ben aside, and poor Ben gets the weird dog-obsession edit yet again. We all know what’s about to go down. She goes with her gut, and picks Adam. Raven is not prepared for Adam to return and be totally into Sarah. She says this is particularly tough because Sarah is one of her good friends. Who fucking knew Adam Gottschalk had it in him?

On their date Sarah is super up front about being very into Adam. There’s nothing holding her back. She calls out the chemistry between them, and inquires if he would have asked her on a date in the real world. Adam says, well yes of course, and then pulls her in for a kiss to validate his verbal response. Off they go to a salsa club to make out on the dance floor.

Meanwhile back on the homestead, Wells calls Danielle M. “Dani.” I’ll give you a second to recover.

These two have been Nashville friends for a while. Since it’s becoming clear that Danielle isn’t really feeling anyone this season, she and Wells make a pact to get together five years from now if both of them are still single…

Then the biggest tragedy of Bachelor in Paradise Season 4 occurs: Lacey gets a date card. Come the fuck on. Part of me feels for her, because her situation in Paradise is my actual nightmare: no one is interested in her and she has no female squad support. She pulls Ben Z. and Matty Nice aside to ask if they would go on a date with her, AND if they did say yes, would they be attending as lovers of friends? I mean…this sucks. Both guys handle this uncomfortable question with grace, and Matty suggests that Lacey ask Diggy. Of course she does, and he says yes. And off we go to promote former bartender, Jorge, and his new tour company: Jorge’s Tourges. You know this whole set-up for Lacey is particularly tragic when you catch a glimpse of a producer high-fiving her in the confession cam as Lacey gushes over the promise of her first Bachelor Nation 1:1.

The date card warned that they were headed to the most romantic spot in Mexico. We learn from Jorge that the secluded beach he has led them to on horseback is in fact the spot where he was conceived. Muchas gracias señor. Jorge awkwardly lingers as Diggy and Lacey make out on the beach. Diggy has officially completed his good deed for the day.

We see Wells back at the resort revealing to the guys that he and Danielle went on a date a few years back. Nothing physical went down, and it didn’t move forward romantically. Instead they just became really good friends. Wells also describes Danielle as “out of his league.” Do you see what they’re doing here…Meanwhile Danielle is sitting with Kristina in the girls lair and decides that it’s time for her to leave. She has an opportunity to travel to Kenya and work with the Lwala Alliance, and she doesn’t feel like “her person” is in Paradise. She packs her bags, and Kristina reminds Danielle to check the vanity for any make-up she might have forgotten. Danielle sits on Kristina’s lap and gives her a big hug. She’s going to miss her friend.

THEN, just when Paradise couldn’t get any hotter, Miss Dominique Alexis arrives and she’s ready to catch a tan and catch a man. Her energy was playful and confident from the moment she stepped onto the beach and ran into Taylor Nolan’s arms. These two are besties for real for real. All the guys turn their heads and linger on this beautiful queen. Shit’s about to GO DOWN. Taylor is very into the idea of Dom and Diggy getting together. Lacey is spiraling because she and Diggy literally just got back from the most romantic place in Mexico, and shouldn’t Dominique figure out who she wants without Taylor’s help? Dream big, Lacey girl.

Duh, Dominique asks Diggy, and off these two beautiful people go to their sexy, steamy date. Taylor tries to “console” Lacey, and through a full waterworks display Lacey shares with Taylor that she’s not taking any of this personally. She just wishes that Taylor didn’t meddle in matchmaking. Taylor is professional in front of Lacey, but in the confession cam is like yo girl, what the fuck you mean? This is Paradise. And this is how we do it.

Diggy straight up tells Dominique that he feels like he and Lacey are on different wavelengths. No…for real? Diggy then feeds Dominique a strawberry covered in whipped cream and asks if he can experience exactly what the strawberry did. Awkward as hell, but it worked. These guys make out and spend some time in a hot tub together.

It’s Danielle’s moment to bid her Paradise fam goodbye. She encourages them to make both good and bad decisions. Hugs for everyone. But wait, did you say goodbye to Wells yet? She heads to the bar to hug her hometown friend. Wells offers to walk Danielle out. He puts her bags in the trunk and then boom, goes for the gold. These two kiss and the whole time I’m wondering, did the producers just say, OK guys, you’re friends, just take one for the team. People are gonna love this. Because that is exactly what I think happened.

Then….we get to the live studio audience portion of the show, because duh we need to milk the scandal for all it’s worth, and no, we do not have enough beach footage from 11 days of filming to have all episodes take place solely in Paradise. What a fucking mess.

First we see Derek, Diggy, Robby, Raven and Jasmine on stage with Chris to talk about what it was like finding out Paradise was being shutdown. We see a dramatic montage of various media outlets reporting on the scandal and how Warner Bros lawyered up and eventually concluded that no wrongdoing took place. The gang on stage says that when they learned the show was being cancelled they has absolutely no idea why because things seemed so good amongst the cast. Derek says that out of all the shit people were “reporting” on, he could only connect with 10% of the information out there. The other 90% was just garbage. Raven talks about how heartbreaking it was to see DeMario painted as a sexual assault criminal.

Before bringing DeMario himself on stage, we are forced to watch clips of Jade and Tanner’s wedding and pics of them and their newborn. We knowwwwwwwww. And then we see clips of Carly and Evan’s wedding, because guys, good shit does happen in Paradise! We promise! Carly and Evan come on stage, and Chris commends Evan for successfully getting out of the friend zone. Evan says perseverance is key! We learn that Evan and Carly found out they were pregnant in Mexico, presumably during wedding festivity time? They took a Mexican pregnancy test, and had to Google translate “embarazada” to find out they were with child.

Carly never thought it would be this easy to get knocked up. In fact, she had her eggs frozen before meeting Evan because doctors had told her she would have a hard time becoming preggers. In full Bachelor fashion, Chris brings an ultrasound technician on stage so we can see the little bugger jumping around in Carly’s uterus. Of course now we know that these lovely weirdos are having a little girl, but when this shitshow was filmed, it was still too early to tell. If it wasn’t clear that the network simply needed to fill airtime, this whole “surprise” that Carly and Evan are pregnant is the kicker. Their insta followers are bored as fuck because we’ve seen the news that they’re pregnant AND we know it’s a girl. Did you not watch their gender reveal party on Carly’s insta story?!?

Then it’s DeMario’s moment to come clean. He sits across from Chris Harrison and confirms that he met Corrine for the first time in Paradise. He recalls the first day: they met, they started drinking, then they’re making out, and Corrine suggested they go to the pool. DeMario says that “one thing lead to another and things got intense.” However he didn’t think anything of it. The ambiguous language is the problem. Just tell us what the fuck happened. “Things got intense” can mean so, so, so many things. DeMario tells us about the moment he learned that the show was shutdown. A producer told him that someone filed a third party complaint about him and Corrine. At this point, DeMario claims he still had no idea what was going on. He even texted Corrine cracking a joke about the two of them breaking paradise. It wasn’t until he got home that shit really started to hit the fan. He talks about being followed to the gym by TMZ, and reading articles about him having sex with Corrine’s limp body.  He gets emotional talking about seeing his mother so upset in response to all the trash fake reporting.  He calls this the most difficult time in his life. Chris Harrison asks DeMario how he got through it:

“Family, friends, and Kanye West.”

– DeMario Jackson

Man oh man oh man. The spectacle of bringing him on the show, and having Corrine do her own segment next week really makes me feel like this scandal was just a huge sick game at the expense of two drunk hotties. I am very interested in what Corrine has to say, and I sincerely hope that there wasn’t actually any sexual misconduct.  More coherent thoughts to come after hearing from #TeamCorn next week.

I’ma get on this TV mama, I’ma
I’ma put shit down
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, I’m good,


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *