Episode 5: Time is a Flat Circle…

Do you feel gaslit/manipulated just watching this episode?  All I heard was “emotional intelligence” for the better part of this God forsaken episode.  I might not have a masters in Mental Health Counseling – Corinne and I have this in common – but I know when someone actin’ trife. Taylor forfeited Nick’s heart the second she decided to focus her energy on Corinne and not Old Saint Nick.  But you know what, haters like Taylor make the world go round.  Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.  #goodvibesonly

My initial reaction to Corinne accusing Taylor of  “not being here for the right reasons” was: congrats, you’re just regurgitating a treasured Bach Nation phrase, but then I took a step back and was like super proud of Corinne for recognizing the undeniable truth.  Taylor IS here for the wrong reasons.  She is here to be a social/emotional intelligence vigilante, problem is, Tay-tay, you got played by the game.  You took that bait.  Now it’s time to take your “stank face” on back to the Freudian couch.

Literally can’t even remember who got kicked to the curb at the frosty breath rose ceremony in the Wisconsin barn because it was NOT Jaimi or Josephine.  So many concerns here.

We made our way to New Orleans with the fam this week.  Alexis, our dolphin loving/Nicholas Cage hating Jersey girl, proudly announced, “My name’s Miss Louisiana.  I love gators, grits and a gooooood time” whilst shimmying into the camera.  #babyyoulightupmyworldlikenobodyelse

First impression rose recipient, Rachel, gets asked on the 1:1 and she’s giddy AF.  Nick lets us in on some rich intel: “My chemistry with Rachel is probably the most explosive chemistry I have at this point with any of the women.  She’s confident and sexy and smart.  She kinda has it all.”  She’s also 31.  And a lawyer.  And black.  DONE.  #blackgirlmagic  This 1:1 was very sexually charged, and I needed it.  The live music in the streets, dancing in the streets, live music in the bar, dancing in the bar, beignets, kissing at outdoor markets.  But you know what, there are two things that outshone the sexytimes:

  1. The passerby with “da fuq” expressions on their faces as they whip their phones out and start shamelessly snappin’ Nick and Rachel as they stroll by.
  2. The fact that Rachel had A BEER at dinner with Nick.  YAS QUEEN.

Rachel casually mentions that her father is a judge and Nick pees his pants a little.  He’s terrified about approaching any/all dads to ask for permission to lock it down.  Nick has done this with two different fathers.  I’m exhausted just thinking about this.  Nick admits that he’s very into Rachel, but we are smart enough to know that THAT’S not happening.  She’s goin’ far though.

Eyerolllllllll for the Group Date at the most haunted house in New Orleans.  Queue the shrieks, shrills, candles, and MINT JULEPS YASSS.   I will admit this was a nice departure from track and field events, though.  Raven hit it out the part with some one liners:

  • Nick’s lookin’ fine as a dime.
  • I did not sign up to be a part of the ghostbusters.
  • I’m gonna rebuke that thing [ghost] in the name Jesus.

The last thing I will say about this group date, is that I still have PTSD from being told that the Ouija board was satanic and evil as a child.  I still have never seen/touched/been in the same room as one.  I’m all set.  Thanks.

So now things start getting good.  While the scaredy cats are getting (candle)lit with Nick and the ghost of eight year old Mae who died of yellow fever, Corinne and Taylor are mentally preparing for the dreaded 2:1 date.  Corinne’s prep was very shades of Kevin McCallister from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.  Room service delivered platters of steak, mac and cheese and cake that Corinne enjoyed in bed.  She’s doin’ a facemask, she’s got a bubble bath goin’.  Corinne hopes that Nick will see her “golden heart”.  She’s just trying to live her best life.  Fucking Taylor is rubbing essential oil on her pressure points and doing meditative breathing exercises.  Not enough deep breaths or lavender oil in the world to change that trainwreck of a personality.

The 2:1 date was basically the plot line of True Detective Season 1.  I have still not recovered from that man abruptly jumping onto the boat in the bayou and then leading them through this eerie swamp to the voodoo priestesses.  Also, so glad that this 2:1 is about revealing truth.  We all know that the truth is, Taylor’s sippin’ haterade and she gots to go.  I DIE for the smug look on Taylor’s face when the truthteller reveals to these lucky ladies she will be reading their tarot cards to uncover what is true and real.  Just you wait, mama.  Just you wait.  OH, SURPRISE SURPRISE, your TRUTH is that you should not engage with fuckery.  I guess this makes me a truthteller also.  See you in the woods spittin’ truth with the voodoo dolls.  Come through.  Corinne politely asking for a voodoo doll and stabbing it with a pin.  Bold.  Smart.  I guess it worked, because Nick passed a rose to Corinne and escorted Taylor out of the roundtable meeting in the woods.

The spiritual cleansing of Taylor after Nick and Corinne have been whisked off in the dingy by Errol was a good reminder for me to sage my house.  Taylor is a water sign.  She is intuitive.  She is aware.  I hope these inherent traits work in her favor to foresee Nick dropping the hammer when she trolls back to speak her piece.  Again.  Because you goin home girl.

Post credits treat:  Old Saint Nick busting out a Nicholas Cage mask at the haunted house and making Alexis kiss the mask.  All her nightmares realized at once.  And maybe some new ones…

The light is winning,



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