Episode 3: Whip It!

Can you even handle all the “this bitchhhh” looks the ladies were tossin’ around when Nick announced that he “had sex with Liz”…

Since these ladies are “all dating the same person” this was very rich news for them to hear.  I’m like wait, you guys know he’s “had sex” with other women before…right? This situation just makes polygamy seem even less appealing that it already was, amirite?  All these ladies are in the race for Nick’s dick, and knowing that one of their own (Liz) already sort of won, is really taking it’s emotional toll on the fam.

Wait, also, the hand games happening during the rose ceremony at the start of this ep was just so HANDSUAL (handsy-sexual).  If they could kiss/fuck and talk on TV at the same time, they would, but they can’t so they have hand sex- which honestly looks really fun.

UPDATE:  Nick is intrigued ON Danielle L.  Or is he intrigued IN Danielle L.  Actually, Nick, it’s neither.  You are intrigued by.  BYE.  BYE.  BYE.

“If he sleeps with someone before the fantasy I don’t know what I am going to do.”  Good thing you won’t have to trouble yourself with such trifling games because you, my forgettable, yellow dressed blondie, are not gonna survive the next fifteen minutes of this episode.

Who else vomited when Corinne used the word “intercourse”?  Oh all of you? Great.  Don’t know what’s worse: intercourse or an expression often used to describe consensual sexual relations that rhymes with shmake shlove.  Meanwhile Corinne is getting ready to shmake shlove with Nick and ABC gifts us our THIRD black out ass box as Corinne adorns and then promptly removes her flasher coat in front of a mirror.

OMG Raven again with the pure awesomeness, she feels great about Liz leaving, and she’s moving on.  No drama.  Raven, I’m sorry I judged you.

“I miss you so much!!!” says the forgettable “24” year old with a fashion forward black dress with an adventurous neckline and bold leg slit.  You’re about to get sacked.  But enjoy your s’mores.

Alright ABC slow down with the blackout boxes over the cleavage.  Corinne likes Nick ALOT and he makes her really happy, you guys.  Her authentic emotions are convincingly relayed through droopy eyes and slurred words. I really feel for the girls wiping the tears from their eyes as they are emotionally drained and feeling sad that a superprivileged narcissist is getting attention by whoring herself out.  Brutal.

Corinne’s flasher coat games are sort of making Nick uncomfortable but she’s hot so he leans in.  This whole sacks/pillows in the driveway as a stage for Corinne’s drunk winking and whipped creaming her own boobs is a real treat.  Some questions I have: How did the conversation go between Corinne and the producers about this situation?  Whose idea was it?  How many takes did they have to do?  Was it low fat whipped cream?  Does Nick typically try to stick to a dairy free diet?

Of course she was drunk sleeping during the rose ceremony. Taylor says “She’s been up there all night.”  This reminds us just how long these goddamn rose ceremonies are.  HOURS upon HOURS.  If Nick spends 20-30 minutes with each of these girls that’s a 6-8 hour situation.  Yeah, no thanks.

Ok…so Group Date #1 was the only reason that you should have watched this episode.  The fucking BACKSTREET BOYS show up, they sing a snippet of “I Want It That Way” a cappella to the squad, these girls are DEAD.  As am I.  Some thoughts on this….most of these women are at least ten years younger than Nick.  They grew up with BSB.  Nick, however, is almost the same age as Nick Carter.  When he was a teeny bopper he was probably listening to CRISS CROSS  and TLC and MOTOWN PHILLY. Nick was never the target audience for BSB.  He is a BSB peer.

  • Nick Viall –  September 29, 1980  = 36 going on 37
  • Nick Carter – January 28th, 1980 = almost 37
  • Brian Littrell –  February 20, 1975 = 42
  • Howie Dorough – August 22, 1973 = 44
  • Kevin Richardson – October 3, 1971 = 46
  • AJ McLean – January 9, 1978 = 39  #hbd

Alright back to business.  The ladies are in full face and sexual athlesiure for their BSB group date.  They are READY.  This date is stressing Corinne out because she is not so great at “planned dancing”  because she has “very bad short term memory.”  Honestly, I was surprised that our resident dancer Jasmin didn’t get super obnoxious with the choreo, but you know she was thirsty as hell during that performance making eye contact with precious Brian from BSB whilst dancing.

YAS Danielle L I am so into her winning this group date challenge and I am even more into BSB gifting us with another a cappella performance.  It was very savage to have the other girls stay on stage while Nick and Danielle slow danced and made out to BSB.  Sucks to suck!

Corinne finally revealed to the squad that she has a nanny named Raquel.  Raquel makes Corinne’s bed every morning, she prepares Corinne’s cucumber snack and vegetable slices, and she apparently NAILS cheese pasta.  Honestly, I want Raquel’s cheese pasta.  Whatever that means, I want in.

This week, I wasn’t reminded of the fact that my teeth aren’t white enough, or I that I have undiagnosed depression during the commercial breaks.  Nope, instead I am welcomed into an advertisement for SECRET RESORT which is definitely shades of hedonism.  The ad features a sultry blonde wearing a ROCK for all ages.  A nearby less attractive friend ponders…how was your honeymoon?  The ad then takes the viewer on flashbacks to a sensual resort for white elites.  Balconies with billowing, white curtains, hidden corners to “make a secret.”  FUN!


All I have to say is, this bitch is gonna win.  Nick literally cried over her and said “You have made me feel very optimistic.”  Translation:  you da ONE.

Also, I would puke everyday for the rest of my life if it means I will be treated with such comfort and tenderness.  Wow.  I have never felt more alone.  Also- this moment was very reminiscent of Officer And A Gentleman.  Do me, Richard Gere.

As usual Group Date Number 2 was a hot friggin’ mess.  What is with Bach Nation always doin’ track events?  BOOORRRRIIINNNGGGG.  I’m not going to even dignify this date with my valuable opinions.

The pool party…

Wait, getting make-up on was just such a curious course of action to take before being surrounded by water.  At least Corinne’s middle-aged sunspotted chest was out to play.  All her conversations with Nick are just whispers of “It’s so good to see you. I feel so comfortable with you.”

Last but not least, I don’t know what made me feel more second hand embarrassment: Corinne’s desperate boobie trap or Josephine/Josie singing an original song to Nick after the credits rolled. She had the nerve to call her jingle about how he should take her on a 1:1 a “sales pitch.”  Dream on, whatever you’re selling we’re not buying, and stop singing.

Mascara tears and barf bags,


PS- God Bless SNL.


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